Twenty Costumes Cordelia Never Wore
by alienyouthct
Summary: Explore a series of worlds where Cordelia passes up the cat costume in favor of something a bit more… interesting…
1. Burai (Zyuranger)

Title: _Ten Costumes Cordelia Never Wore  
_Author: JoeHundredaire  
Rating: R/FR18.  
Disclaimer: Right, I actually went and checked to be sure this time… after being passed around like a nympho at a frat party over the past few years, _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, _Angel: the Series_, and all associated characters now belong to Warner Brothers. The properties explored in the individual chapters belong to a wide variety of people, who I'm going to opt against listing to avoid spoiling… and because the list would get massive in short order. None of it is mine, don't sue, et cetera and so forth. Any original Cordettes who show up are mine, of course. If you want them to expand your cast of Sunnydale High denizens, they're free to use but please ask first.  
Summary: Explore a series of worlds where Cordelia passes up the cat costume in favor of something a bit more… interesting…  
Joe's Note: This was an inevitable fusion over at Twisting the Hellmouth, given there were site-sponsored 'write ten shorts starring this character' challenges and the Season 2 Halloween episode was used to justify all sorts of shenanigans (a full 5% of the stories on the site center around that one episode, and that doesn't include fics posted before the tagging system was introduced or sequels to those 5% of stories). It wasn't a bad idea, really. Come up with ten costumes their favorite character never wore. Work off some plot bunnies without having to do any serious amount of writing. This story is… about 23% that sort of thing, and 77% from reading their Latest page back when I was originally writing this and going "What the fuck were you thinking when you typed that shit up?". So yes, this is a story that is from deep in my archives. That said, it's got eleven chapters so far (I never was good at following the rules) and my Scrivener file has no less than four additional chapters outlined for if there's any interest in this.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

As she stared down at the gold and red device in her hands, Cordelia Chase tried to figure out exactly when her life had fallen off the tracks and into the world of the weird. When she'd been stupid enough make the bet with Xander? When she'd decided to throw the quiz they were betting on because she'd had no idea what to dress as for Halloween and figured he'd have a good idea for her? When she'd failed to put her foot down at the dorkism that he'd forced on her? Or when some kind of magic spell turned her into the person she was dressed as, turning her into a costumed hero who'd proceeded to decimate the warehouse district in an effort to kill off as many vampires and demons as possible?

And so here she was, standing on Kingman's Bluff just barely after sunrise, staring at what had been a plastic toy up until the night before but now felt too heavy to be mere plastic. It felt more like a giant lump of metal. Which, considering the fact that it was shiny and golden, it possibly was. The real question was… was it merely a metal toy, now, as opposed to being a plastic toy? Or was there something more to it?

Operating purely on instinct, or rather memories that now occupied her head despite the fact that they didn't belong to her, Cordelia took a two-handed grip on it and held it out at arm's length. Taking a deep breath, she gathered her courage and twisted the device so it was facing right side up. "Dino Buckler!" Her thumb pushed down on a red button sticking out of the right side, the face of the device split in two and popped apart, and then… and then a wave of energy washed over Cordelia and the next thing she knew, her hands were free and her body was going through the motions of an equally alien routine as she struck a pose that felt familiar despite the fact she'd never done it before in her life. "Dragon Ranger! Cordelia!"

Cordelia slipped into a more relaxed stance, breathing slowly as she tried to come to terms with the fact that the dreamlike weirdness of the night prior was evidently her new reality. She reached up to pat the ridged helmet that protected her head before looking down at her body and sighing. "Not a big fan of spandex period, so it could be better, but I guess it could be worse too. Everything fits properly, so there's no overstuffed stretched spots or loose and wrinkly spots. And green's probably the least of the evils as far as colors go; red wouldn't be so bad but I'm not really a blue person, black is for goths, and yellow and pink are just… eugh. The skirt that's decided to pop up just for the hell of it is kinda cute. Oh, and the gold breaks everything up nicely so there's not too much green or white and oh my God, I'm sitting here critiquing how fashionable my spandex superheroine costume is. My life is so weird."

Letting her hand drop down to run over the white belt of her costume, Cordelia realized there was a reason she'd been drawn to the bluff for this little experiment of hers. Not only was it far from prying eyes, but it was close to the water… and it was from the water that her greatest ally came. Fingering the Zyusoken, she slowly drew it from its sheath and brought it up towards her mouth, only to run into a problem. Helmet. Lips blocked. She knew it was some kind of flute in addition to being a dagger, but how was she supposed to play a flute if she couldn't actually touch it to her lips?

When the answer came to her a moment later, Cordelia groaned at the simplicity of it. She could test the Zyusoken the same way she'd tested the Dino Buckler: by sitting back and letting the foreign memories that now crowded her brain do the work for her. Letting her body run on autopilot, Cordelia simply watched and learned as the dagger came to rest with a small grey nub pressed against bit of helmet that covered her mouth. Then the fingers on her right hand began to move and sound simply… emerged. Huh. Well, it was a magic dagger that could theoretically call a giant dragon robot from the ocean, she reasoned. Did it need to make sense?

The first time through the lilting tune, nothing happened. During the second repetition, Cordelia noticed a pair of red eyes under the water, kicking up a bit of turbulence as they grew closer to land. As she played through a third time, she watched as first a crested head broke the surface, followed by a body armored in green, black, and gold. She lowered the dagger to rest against her hip as she stared in awe; Dragon Caesar looked more like a robotic version of Godzilla to her than a dragon, but she wasn't complaining. And as he leaned his head back and roared, Cordelia couldn't help but voice an admittedly inane thought that wouldn't stop running through her head.

"I wonder if I need a parking pass to drive him to school…"


	2. Toph Bei Fong (A:tLA)

Joe's Note: Back when I first posted it, the story got more hits than it had words. And ironically one douchenut who I think was waiting for something of mine to show up so he could Hide it because it was literally hidden within two minutes of me posting it. Twisting's users really knew how to keep it classy. Anyways, here's another costume that Cordelia never wore. Enjoy.  
Edit Note: This was originally written before _Legend of Korra_ was even a rumor. While I am updating it to bring it in line with my current writing style and to add a character, I've opted not to rewrite the story as a whole to integrate what we learn about Toph's life from the newer series.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Rubbing the pad of her thumb over the tip of her index finger, Cordelia Chase shook her head sadly as she felt yet another broken nail, idly playing with the jagged edge as she tried to figure out exactly when her life had fallen off the tracks and crashed into the world of the weird. Granted she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point, but what had been the actual, singular point of no return?

Had it been when she'd been stupid enough to make that idiotic bet with Xander? Or when she'd decided to throw the quiz they were betting on because neither she nor Kat had any idea what to dress as for Halloween, and they'd agreed that he'd probably take full advantage of having two hot girls to dress up and put them in something good? When she'd overridden Kat's protests and allowed him to lure her in with a pretty dress and ramblings of a powerful girl from a rich and noble family? Or perhaps the most obvious point was at fault: when some kind of magic spell transformed her into the fictional character that she was dressed as, a character who'd then proceeded to turn most of Sunnydale's plethora of cemeteries into war zones as she went on a rampage against the things that went bump in the night.

A soft tap of her bare foot against the grass established that nobody was standing to her left and Cordelia turned her head before spitting. Then she grimaced; out of all the strange quirks and habits she'd acquired from being possessed on Halloween, that was easily the grossest… and the one she was having the most trouble shaking. One of these days, when she was completely and totally sure that her plan was foolproof and couldn't possibly be traced back to her if the body was ever found? She was going to kill Xander Harris. Because yes, her costume had been of a girl who was rich and from a noble family. And she had powers. She was also uncouth, had more parental issues than a whole sorority's worth of slutty coeds, and oh yeah, she was blind.

Sorta.

Kinda.

Not blind enough to leave Cordelia flailing in a world of darkness, but still blind enough to be a pain in her perfectly shaped ass. Because while the seismic sense that came with her strange new powers allowed her to 'see' to a limited degree - enough that she could get around without a dog, cane, or turning Kat into a Seeing Eye Girlfriend - she hadn't magically learned to read Braille or anything. Meaning that… well, to quote her Halloween self, she could hold books but they didn't really do it for her anymore. Which in turn had brought her education to a screeching halt, at least until Cordelia could figure out a way around that particular roadblock… but at least she'd found something to keep her occupied in the meantime.

"The key to earthbending is your stance: you've got to be steady and strong. Earth is a stubborn element and if you're going to move it, you need to be like the earth yourself. If you aren't determined enough, when the time comes, the earth won't respond to your will." Cordelia stomped the ground hard to demonstrate, raising a row of large boulders in front of her friends. "Now who's ready to see if they're worthy of being my student?"

Grumbles emerged from behind the line of boulders as Cordelia walked to a safe spot off to the side of what would soon become a firing range of sorts, culminating in Harmony's whining voice reaching her ears as the blonde called out to her. "No offense, but why do we even want to be characters from whatever silly little cartoon Harris tricked you into liking? I mean, this doesn't even make sense. So what if Halloween turned you into some kind of freak? That doesn't mean 'the power is real' or that anyone else ever is going to turn out to be a freak like you."

Clearing her throat, Kat McKee raised her hand and waved it slowly before guiding the water whip that she had formed across the lawn to poke Harmony in the side. Beside her sat Gwen Ditchik, a look of intense concentration on her face and a ball of water hovering between her hands. "Gwen dressed as a naughty nurse for Halloween but turned out to be a 'freak like us'. Shouldn't that prove that we're on to something by seeing if anyone else we know is a bender too?"

"Okay, you may have a point there. But why do I have to try this instead of trying that? I'd look much better in blue and white than shades of green and brown." Balancing on one leg, Harmony bent the other and twisted so that she could inspect her foot. "Not to mention that it's bad enough that I'm tromping around out here with no shoes on and totally messing up my pedicure, but if Cordelia's wrong and I'm right and we can't do this, I'm going to throw a punch and either break my nails or break my hand or-"

Cordelia opened her mouth to interrupt her second-in-command, only to find herself twisting at the waist and bending back as a boulder went flying through the space she'd just been occupying, Harmony landing at her feet with a thump a second later as the other girls screamed. The blonde's impact, combined with the boulder crashing to earth behind her, painted a picture for Cordelia and she thrust her arm out, one finger pointing unerringly at where one of the Cordettes was was standing stock still with her arm still extended in a punch. "Courtney. You're in."

"Um, not that I'm going to argue or anything but… I thought the test was to move the boulder." Courtney Palmer let out a nervous chuckle as she relaxed back into a normal stance, the soft patter of her feet allowing Cordelia to keep her fellow brunette 'in sight'. "Not… what did I just do to Harmony, anyways?"

Stepping over the prone blonde, Cordelia approached the piece of diagonal rock now jutting up out of what had once been her relatively pristine lawn, using her hands to confirm the shape and size in her mind. "You created an earth wall. Sorta. You lose a few points for not being able to raise it straight, but earn them back for making it strong enough to launch the boulder… and get bonus points for launching Harmony." As the blonde sputtered in anger, Cordelia leaned on the earth wall and casually shoved it back down into the ground. "So, who wants to try next?"


	3. Jean Grey I (Marvel Comics)

Joe's Note: Why make one character a lesbian when you can bring two of them over to the Dyke Side simultaneously? One more conversion and I earn a free toaster…  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom in numb disbelief, Cordelia Chase tried to figure out exactly when her life had fallen off the tracks and crashed into the world of the weird. Granted she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point, but what had been the actual, singular point of no return?

Had it been when she'd been stupid enough to make that idiotic bet with Xander? Or when she'd decided to throw the quiz they were betting on because she'd had no idea what to dress as for Halloween, and had figured that he would take full advantage of having the power to dress up a hot girl however he wanted and put her in something good? When he'd played her and Rosenberg like fiddles, exploiting their respective egos and dislike for each other to goad them into two halves of a couple's costume that were the exact opposite of their normal personalities? Or perhaps the most obvious point was at fault: when some kind of magic spell turned her into the fictional character that she was dressed as, transforming her into a costumed heroine who turned out to have a love-hate relationship with another of the spell's victims? Emphasis, evidently, on the love?

Cordelia continued to lay there, hands gripping the sheets tightly as she stared at the ceiling, until the soft whistling of the person sharing her bed could no longer be ignored and her reality of her situation no longer denied. Growling, she rolled over and brushed her red hair back out of her eyes before glaring at the girl lying next to her. "Shut. Up. Rosenberg."

"But darling, it is a beautiful morning and a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the demon in my sack is stirring…" Willow Rosenberg let out a low chuckle as Cordelia growled again before sitting up and stretching sensually. For a moment, Cordelia found herself debating which part of the whole mess was freakiest: the geek's newfound self-confidence, the haughty British accent she'd acquired overnight, or her voluptuous new body complete with platinum blonde hair that Harmony would have killed for. Then the fact that she was staring at a topless Willow hit her and Cordelia flicked her hand, guiding the spare pillow on her bed to cover the redhead turned blonde's chest. That just made Willow laugh, though. "Isn't it a little late to be getting shy on me, darling? Especially after everything we did last night?"

Scowling, Cordelia sat up… and then abruptly flopped right back down on the bed as she realized that position was exposing far too much to a girl who would probably enjoy the hell out of the show. "Let's get one thing straight: 'we' didn't do anything. As far as I'm concerned, this is completely the fault of some freaky magical stuff and two women who possessed us and this… never… happened."

Willow clucked her tongue lightly as she rolled over and slid out of bed, taking the top sheet with her and leaving Cordelia scrambling for cover until a pillow hit her in the chest. Wrapping the sheet around herself like a toga, Willow glanced down at it for a moment before meeting Cordelia's eyes and smirking. "White. It's like you knew I was coming. And while we're on the subject of me in your bed? Emma spent some time talking to me during the possession to keep herself amused, but I was nothing more than a passenger in my own body until Giles smashed that bust across town. At which point I regained control… and the fun that Emma and Jean had been having using our bodies continued. So either you remained under the spell for longer - which is hard to believe - or you're lying. Which is it, Cordelia?"

"I… you… grr!" Rather than answering, Cordelia waved her hand and the pillow she wasn't currently using to cover herself floated up off the bed before flinging itself at Willow. The blonde didn't even give Cordelia the satisfaction of dodging out of the way, shifting into her transmorph form and letting the pillow detonate against her hardened body in an explosion of white feathers. Having forgotten about that ability, Cordelia blinked stupidly as Willow's body softened back into pale flesh before narrowing her eyes. "…do you know how much that pillow cost?"

Reaching up, Willow plucked a feather out of her hair and chuckled. "Hmm… king size, looks like the same Hungarian white goose that Emma usually buys… I'll venture a guess of roughly a hundred dollars? Maybe in the future you'll use something less expensive as a weapon. The alarm clock, perhaps?" As the blonde wandered over to the window, pulling the curtains back so she could bask in the morning sun, Cordelia decided to take her advice, using her powers to unplug her alarm clock before flinging it at the back of her nemesis's head. At the last second, Willow shifted into diamond again and the alarm clock hit her skull with a crunch before crashing to the floor at her feet. "I'd quote Snape from the end of _Half-Blood Prince_ here but I have a feeling it'd go over your head. Suffice to say, it's rather difficult to pull things over on a telepath when you can't - or won't - shield your thoughts." Turning back to face Cordelia, the blonde held her arm up so she could admire it as it glittered in the orangish-yellow rays of the rising sun. "Hmm. I do look rather spectacular in the light, don't I?"

Cordelia would have agreed, but that would have meant complimenting someone she hated with a fiery passion and so she kept her mouth shut as she levitated the remains of her alarm clock, floating it back across the room to her so she could inspect it before sighing and dropping it at the food of her nightstand. She'd have to deal with finding a replacement for that later. Although speaking of dealing with things… "How can you be so calm about this? We're freaks now! I've got bright red hair-"

"Oh, however shall you survive being seen in public with such a deformity?"

"Shut up. I'm not supposed to be a redhead. I was a brunette before last night. People are going to notice. How am I supposed to explain that?" Cordelia stopped talking, cocking her head to one side for a moment before shuddering. "Not to mention that I can't manage to stop listening in on what other people are thinking. Just being here is bad enough; how am I going to survive school? Not to mention my maids are bitches who I really should get Daddy to fire, and my mom… oh eww, I can't believe the pool boy flirted back even though he's sleeping with my mom! I can't believe I have to know who my mom is cheating on my dad with! Make it stop!"

Returning to her human form, Willow rolled her eyes before crossing the room and laying one hand on Cordelia's forehead. Closing her eyes, her brow furrowed in concentration and then Cordelia felt a series of barriers wrap themselves around her mind, bringing with them blissful silence. Willow opened her eyes before sagging and dropping to sit beside Cordelia on the bed. "After poking around in my memories last night, Emma wasn't exactly left with a high opinion of you. Based on what I know about magic in this world, she realized something like this might happen and left bits of herself at the front of my mind just in case. That little gem was one of them. I've put a block on your telepathy… for now. You'll need to either get in touch with your inner Jean or learn control yourself, though, because I won't keep reinforcing it forever."

Well that was easy for her to say, Cordelia thought with a scowl. Evidently Willow had been lucky enough to have in-depth conversations with her possessing spirit. All she'd gotten was a great big black out that she'd come out of in the middle of some mind-blowing sex, not that she'd ever admit to enjoying it or being a part of it period because… Cordelia blinked as Willow smirked at her before tapping one temple. Then it hit her. Her telepathy was now shut off. Willow's… was not. "Just shoot me now. Please."

Willow just kept on smirking, an expression that looked entirely out of place on the blonde's elfin face. "So it was 'mind-blowing', hmm? That'll make things even easier than I thought." Cordelia stared at her in confusion until an image slammed into the forefront of her mind, giving her a technicolor replay of part of last night from Willow's perspective. As the redhead opened her mouth to argue, Willow cut her off. "Oh, by all means, reject me to continue dating Neanderthals whose sole interest in you is located a foot south of your eyes. I imagine you'll find such relationships amazingly fulfilling once your powers return and make it impossible for you to ignore that fact."

"God, you're such a bitch now, Willow."

"Blame it on Emma's breeding, darling. Top class breeding." Willow rose from the bed and made a slow circuit of the room before bending down in front of a pile of clothes. "But the real question is, can you afford to reject me, even if you wanted to? After all, it's not like you can put out a classified ad looking for someone to help you with your telepathy, now is it?"

Reaching out with her mind, Cordelia lifted the costume she'd worn the night before from the top of the pile and waved one arm back and forth, smacking the fabric across Willow's face a few times before floating the catsuit over to rest next to her on the bed. She wasn't quite sure why she felt so drawn to the green garment, but consoled herself that it made more sense to put it back on for now than to put clean clothes on a dirty body. "…so basically you're going to blackmail me into dating you. Way to keep it classy, Rosenberg."

Willow blew a strand of hair out of her face before offering Cordelia a Gallic shrug. "You say 'blackmail', I say 'payment for services rendered'. You want something from me and… well, you're a tolerable enough companion by Emma's standards. Actually, I dare say that out of the two of us, I'm the one who'd be slumming a bit if we were in a relationship." Picking up a rather skimpy piece of white cloth that might have been a top if one tilted their head the right way and squinted, the Willow that Cordelia was familiar with asserted herself for the first time that morning as the blonde blushed bright red. "Wait. I was wearing this around town? What happened to my catsuit? My very nice, very covering catsuit?"

There were a great many things Cordelia didn't know at the moment. That happened to be one of them. "Dunno. Ask your new pal Emma?"

"Don't blame me for the fact that you're so thoroughly unlikeable that even a possessing spirit wants nothing to do with you, Cordelia." Willow's eyes drifted shut and Cordelia found herself looking around the room, wondering what else she'd be willing to sacrifice in an effort to discover what was capable of cracking a diamond. Then Willow's eyes snapped open, allowing Cordelia to catch a hint of a blue-white glow before it died to reveal Willow's blue eyes staring at her with a combination of curiosity, respect, and… was that fear? "I'd been wondering, since she is the Phoenix and the Phoenix is she… congratulations, darling. You weren't just possessed by a superheroine last night. You were possessed by the physical avatar of the cosmic entity that represents the primal force of life."

Cordelia stared at Willow in bafflement for a long moment before offering the blonde a hesitant thumbs up. "…yay me? I mean, what does that even mean?"

Grimacing, Willow used her free hand to hold up a pair of white hot pants. "It means that I can make an educated guess about how I ended up wearing something other than the costume I started in. Emma must have asked Jean to 'fix' her outfit for her before she pulled me forward enough to be able to see what was going on. Which means that you can fix things for me. Because while Emma may have left me with superpowers, a scintillating wit, and the best body money can buy - not to mention this lovely accent - I for one still know the difference between underwear and outerwear."

Wait. Willow had started the night wearing a rather conservative white catsuit and by the time they'd ended up at the house, it had been turned into a pair of short shorts and that weird little… breast… flap… thing of hers? And her best guess was that Cordelia had done it simply with the power of her mind? The brunette turned redhead looked at the catsuit in her hands, and then over at her overstuffed walk in closet. "So wait. Just so I'm sure we're on the same page. I have the power to transform clothes into other clothes with my mind now?"

"She's a telepath and telekine with the power of a primal cosmic entity at her fingertips, and she's most excited about the possibility of recycling her wardrobe to make new clothes. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm really not. And that's sad…"


	4. Seven of Nine (Star Trek: Voyager)

Joe's Note: I decided not to promise a particular costume after Jean because I didn't know which of two or three choices I was going to go ahead with next. I actually wrote this and another one simultaneously and got this finished and polished to a level I liked first. Which means Chapter 5 won't be far behind. Huzzah.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

As she stared down at her left hand in disbelief, turning it back and forth as she examined the metal lattice that covered her fingers, Cordelia Chase shook her head in disbelief and tried to figure out exactly when her life had fallen off the tracks and crashed into the world of the weird. Granted she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point, but what was the official point of no return?

Had it been when she'd been stupid enough make the bet with Xander? Or when she'd decided to throw the quiz they were betting on because she'd had no idea what to dress as for Halloween and figured he'd have a good idea for her? When she'd allowed him to appeal to her ego, convincing her to embrace a costume she never would have gone near in a million years otherwise in an attempt to prove once and for all that she was the hottest girl in school? Or perhaps when some kind of magic spell had turned her into the television character she'd been dressed as, irrevocably altering her body and with it her future?

Irrevocably. Cordelia let out a snort as she reached up, tracing her finger over her occipital implant with one fingertip on the way to massaging her temples. While she'd always pretended to be less intelligent than she truly was, knowing that 'brainiac' and 'popular' were generally not words that went together except for when someone was gossiping about how 'that popular girl's boyfriend beat up the brainiac for staring at her', she knew that Halloween had increased her intelligence by several orders of magnitude. She was easily more intelligent than Rosenberg now. Scarily intelligent.

The question facing her was what to do with her newfound intelligence? Cordelia logically knew that while 'nothing' was indeed a valid answer, it was also unlikely to be the one she chose; she simply wouldn't be satisfied with sitting on her increased abilities and continuing to pretend that she was a vain, empty-headed little cheerleader like her peers. Although speaking of her fellow cheerleaders… Cordelia's mind flashed to Seven's memories of Lansor, P'Chan, and Marika's predicament. Would repeating such a thing be a crime or a gift when it came to the Cordettes? Ironically, it was the residual Seven in her that recoiled from the idea, even as Cordelia herself saw the logic in it. They already willingly looked to her for direction on a daily basis; giving them interlink nodes at a minimum could make that process far more efficient. And once the nanoprobes were present in their bodies for that, additional implants could be constructed on an as-needed basis to further upgrade her drones.

Although regardless of what else she might choose to do in the future, Cordelia realized, she would need to construct at least one piece of highly advanced technology in the near future: a regeneration alcove. She would be able to subsist on solid foods and 'nutritional supplements' for a considerable amount of time, but eventually she'd either need to construct a proper alcove or rig up some sort of alternative. Sooner rather than later if she actually wanted to turn her idle thoughts about establishing a miniature Collective with her friends into reality…

Rising from the chair in front of her desk, Cordelia slowly tapped her fingers along the top of her computer's tower as she thought. The black plastic box full of integrated circuits and magnetic storage drives was a physical manifestation of the biggest barrier standing in her way: the technology of this world simply wasn't advanced enough yet for her to build the majority of the things she now knew how to create thanks to the memories left behind by the spell. Conversely, if Henry Starling could launch a computer revolution by scavenging bits of technology he barely understood from a crashed timeship, then surely she could use Seven's memories to prematurely bring about the duotronic and isolinear revolutions.

Her advanced, post-silicon designs could obliterate any and all competitors.

She could bring order to chaos.

Cordelia let out a soft chuckle at that thought as she wandered her room, mind working furiously even as she prepared for her day, laying out a change of clothes before digging a clean pair of panties and a matching bra out of her dresser. She would have to accomplish a great many things before she could turn herself into the next titan of industry. Some sort of regeneration alcove, of course; her plans would come to an abrupt and rather ignoble end if she dropped dead due to her implants shutting down. Experiments to figure out how to take the ten steps backward, connecting the technology Seven knew with the technology that currently existed. To achieve both, she'd need a considerable amount of money and likely a false identity so that she could buy the basic components and raw materials she required without attracting attention. The latter would be useful in acquiring the former, she reasoned, making it the more important of the two.

Pausing in front of the mirror, her occipital implant crept upward as Cordelia arched a brow at her appearance. She would also require some form of colored contacts to correct her newfound heterochromia, it appeared. That promised to raise some truly awkward questions with her with optometrist. Although not as many as there would be if he tried to examine the ocular implant that had replaced her left eye…

* * *

Buffy frowned as she looked to her left and then her right. Each time Harmony or Aphrodesia ran their fingers through their hair, it pulled away from the back of their neck just long enough for Buffy to get a glimpse of a metal… something. What it was, she had no idea, but considering very few of her classmates wore necklaces of any kind - she'd checked, curious how many might have at least the slightest protection against vampires clasped around their neck - any metal was more metal than should have been there.

Mehh. Whatever. Maybe they'd all gone out and gotten some kind of weird neck piercing as a group solidarity thing? Not her problem. Tugging the ratty old t-shirt she wore for gym over her head, Buffy closed her locker door and turned around, slamming face-first into… "Cordelia!"

It was times like these that made Buffy wish things had unfolded differently with the cheerleader during her first days at the school. Something had happened to Cordelia on Halloween but given that Buffy was essentially persona non grata with the popular crowd - as were Willow and Xander - she could only watch from afar and make badly informed guesses. But yeah, something had happened. Because not only was Cordelia a blonde now, but her eyes had magically turned themselves blue and she had some sort of strange metal jewelry… thing… over her left eye.

And those were just the physical changes. She stood straighter, spoke more commandingly - something Buffy wouldn't have believed possible before Halloween - and was a whole lot smarter. Buffy regularly found herself treated to meandering Willow rants about the unfairness of that particular aspect of her change whenever Cordelia outscored her on a test, which was an increasingly common occurrence. Not a constant occurrence, though; Willow still didn't believe her but Buffy was certain that Cordelia was throwing lower weighted tests to keep from arousing even more suspicion while ensuring that her grades would be affected as little as possible in the process. The cheerleader's friends were different, too; they prowled the school with an almost inhuman synchronicity to their every movement, appearing to communicate amongst each other without speaking and finishing each other's sentences when they did speak aloud.

What did it all mean? Buffy had no idea. But it was weird and she wanted to know why it was happening. Because she didn't like weird. Then Cordelia cleared her throat and Buffy jerked a bit as she was pulled from her thoughts. "Summers. I require your assistance with a matter related to the disposal of the supernatural trash that infest this town. You will comply."

Chuckling nervously, Buffy looked around and found the other Cordettes slowly moving to encircle the two of them. "I, um, don't know what you're talking about? Trash pickup? I think you call city hall for that. And some kind of infestation would probably be animal control…"

Cordelia regarded her evenly for a moment and then the corner of her mouth quirked up slightly in the smallest of smiles. "There are no secrets between my drones and I." Wait, what? "Everything I know about the supernatural - as inadequate as it is - is available to them. Soon, your knowledge shall be as well. I would attempt to reassure that this 'won't hurt a bit' but lying is inefficient."

Moving with a speed that Buffy had previously only seen in vampires, Cordelia brought her left hand up and then something was pricking at her neck. Buffy tried to pull away but found herself penned in by the Cordettes, whose hands reached out to hold her in place even as additional pairs of pinpricks stabbed at her arms, the other side of her neck, her chest…

"We are the Cordettes. Existence as you know it is over. We will add your biological and aesthetic distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile."

In space, no one can hear you scream. The same wasn't true of the Sunnydale High girls' locker room, but it might as well have been for all the help that Buffy's pained cries attracted…

* * *

"…I think I just heard someone's death cry coming from the girls' locker room again."

"Huh. Sound like anyone we know?"

"If it was, would you go in?"

"Good point. So… wanna meet up to watch the cheerleaders practice later?"

"Sounds like a plan."

"We've got spirit, yes we do."

"Oh yeah. Loads of school spirit. We're like, the most spirited guys here."


	5. Kara Zor-L (DC Comics)

Joe's Note: Since everyone and their aunt seems to be getting turned into a Kara these days - including Xander in Wise's epic series _New World_ \- I decided it was time for Cordelia to get the treatment too. And, well, we all know how I like my women. She ain't gonna be no freakin' waif of a Supergirl. Oh hell no. And let me just say before anyone even starts… this is not meant to be serious. It's sorta my lampshade/response to the problems inherent in putting a Kryptonian in Sunnydale in a story and the oft-ignored need for escalation to prevent a curbstomp from resulting.  
Edit Note: Sadly, Atlee appears to have fallen off the face of the multiverse and so digging up references on her is a bit tougher than I anticipated when I decided to add Kat to the story as the other half of a couple costume. If I've fucked anything up, please tell me because anything DC is not my strong suit.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Floating high above the Earth's surface, Cordelia Chase found herself joining a very small and elite club, watching in awe as the sun slowly peeked up over the horizon and bathed the Atlantic coast of North America with light. It was a pity she hadn't gotten empowered a bit earlier, she mused: being the five hundred and twenty-sixth person to reach orbit was nice and all, but being the five-hundredth - or even the five hundred and twenty-fifth - would have been better. Oh well. Slowly increasing her altitude, Cordelia shot regular peeks down at the planet below her to gauge her progress. 1,220 miles up. 1,230. 1,235. 1,240. 1,242. And then… 1,250 miles above the surface of the Earth, just for good measure. While she doubted her accomplishment would ever be recognized on account of her being unable to produce proof, she was now a member of a very elite club: only the twenty-fifth person in history to leave low Earth orbit. Go her.

Slowly descending back to her previous vantage point two hundred miles above Sunnydale, Cordelia let out a chuckle rendered soundless by the vacuum. Forget the clichéd 'I can see my house from here' thing, she could see Florida from here… individual houses in Florida, even. Rao, but she really was a freak now. Cordelia shook her head, feeling the ends of her short new blonde locks brushing against her jaw. When exactly had her life taken this nosedive into the world of the weird? Granted she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point, but had there been some official point of no return that she'd passed? Any one thing that, had she avoided it, would have allowed her to remain just another teenage girl - albeit a rich one - living out her mostly peaceful life in southern California?

The easiest moment to blame was when she'd made that stupid bet with Xander. Then again, making the bet hadn't been nearly as stupid as intentionally losing it because she'd had no idea what to dress as for Halloween and had figured he'd have a good idea for her costume. Even then, nothing had been forcing her to go through with it, especially after he'd showed her the costume he'd picked out. But she had. And now, thanks to a magic spell that had turned her into the person she'd dressed as, she was floating in the mesophere as she watched the sun rise. Floating. Under her own power. Unbothered by the law of gravity, the frigid temperature, or the lack of oxygen.

Oh yeah, Queen C was officially Queen of the Freaks now.

Then the constant murmur of noise began to intrude on her thoughts and Cordelia found herself struggling against the memories and instincts that still remained in her brain after her brush with the mind of a genuine superheroine. Finally, the fragment of Kara Zor-L that lived on inside her won out and Cordelia scowled as she reoriented herself, her keen hearing pinning down one cry for help out of many. A second later, she was gone.

* * *

"You're a fool. No weapon forged can stop me."

"That was then. This is now."

Yes, now. As in the perfect moment for their dramatic entrance before Psycho Summers blew up a good-sized chunk of the mall with an AT4 - identification courtesy of Kara's rather exhaustive memory of things she'd been shot with in the past - for jollies. Rao. Burning down a gym, now anti-tank weaponry at the mall… what was the Slayer planning for an encore? Blowing up the school? Cordelia shook her head before letting herself drop through the skylight, the instincts from the first sixteen years of her life overriding Karen's and causing her to raise her arms and shield her face from the shards of glass her entrance created, even though she knew logically that they couldn't hurt her. She hit the floor with a thunderous crash and dropped to one knee, the cloud of dust and debris created by her arrival keeping anyone else from noticing as the floor rolled and then cracked wide open, allowing Kat McKee to ascend from beneath the earth's surface. She offered Cordelia a wide smile before raising her hands and exerting control over the dust in the air, forcing it back down to the floor and revealing their presence. "Yeah. Now there's us."

Lowering the rocket launcher she was holding, Buffy shot the pair an indignant look. "Seriously, Cordelia? Shouldn't you be out catching a jumbo jet or saving a village from a volcano or something? I thought we agreed that unless it was the end of the world or something, the supernatural was my thing."

Cordelia and Kat exchanged incredulous looks and then Cordelia wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's waist, picking her up and bringing the black-haired girl along with her as she took a giant step to the right. Some vampires had put back together an unbeatable demon who could 'burn the humanity' out of people with some sort of chain lightning attack and become more powerful from it. That wasn't apocalypse-grade in Buffy's mind? What. Ever. "All righty then. Well in that case, don't mind us while we stand over here in the… figurative corner. While you, you know, fire off your anti-tank weapon at a man-sized target in the middle of a crowded mall. I mean, think about what you're about to do. That thing is made to kill tanks. Repeat after me: kill tanks. Assuming you actually hit the Judge, of course… do you know what the radius is for the blast wave or heat wave with one of those things? Or how much damage could be done by demon bits traveling at the speed of sound? And don't even get me started on how Sergeant Slick there has evidently forgotten what the word 'backblast' means and your entire collection of sidekicks will get roasted alive when you pull the trigger…"

Momentarily paling as the truth of Cordelia's words sank in, Buffy tried to rally and intensified her glare even as the self-proclaimed 'Scoobies' began backing even further away from their leader. "Well, if you had a better idea, you could have…"

"You could have invited me to the meetings where you researched the Judge and planned how to kill him, so I could have shared them with you. Just, you know, putting that out there. Anyway, as long as we're on the subject of better ideas…" Cordelia set Kat down before pointing in the direction of the Judge, redirecting the Scoobies' attention as Kat thrust both hands out before clapping them together, guiding thick slabs of rock up out of the ground and encasing the Judge in them. "Well, how about that for starters?"

Buffy let the barrel of her purloined rocket launcher dip a bit, only to jerk it back upward as the Judge roared and tore himself free of his stone prison. "Not a good idea, it turns out."

Still a better idea than shooting a rocket launcher inside a mall. Rather than point that out, Cordelia let her gaze drift from Buffy to the Judge before narrowing her eyes, unleashing a blast of heat vision at Ugly Smurf's left elbow. While she knew via Kara's memories that Kryptonians were just as vulnerable to magic as a normal human, it appeared that demons were as vulnerable to her powers as… well, everything else. The twin red beams of concentrated heat easily burned through the demon's flesh, sending his lower arm dropping to the ground as the Judge clutched at the cauterized stump with his right hand. Turning back to the Scoobies, Cordelia offered up a self-satisfied grin as she gestured to her handiwork. "Just out of curiosity, is anyone else here liking where I'm going with this?"

Letting out a screech of indignation, Buffy took two tries at breaking the AT4 over her knee before giving up and hurling it away in disgust, taking out a nearby cart full of sunglasses. "I knew I should have worn that damn Supergirl costume that Ethan had in his store! Xander! How come you didn't try and talk me into wearing that?"

Xander held his hands up in surrender, backing away as Buffy stalked towards him. "Hey, don't blame me! I pointed it out to you, but someone wanted to be Princess Puffball for her boyfriend." Xander gestured to Cordelia and then back at himself. "Besides, how do you think I feel? Ethan had Superman costumes too but I couldn't afford one. If I'd had more money or asked Willow for a loan or something, I could be Superxander right now."

"More than a little glad that you didn't, to be honest. And not just because I don't want to share the limelight with you, although that is one of the biggest reasons. But also because… well, that would make me Xander's cousin and Buffy's alternate universe twin… thingy. Both of which would probably cause me to try and figure out if Kryptonians can commit suicide." Suddenly, a far off noise caught Cordelia's attention and she cocked her head as she worked to focus her attention on it, filtering out the million and two other things her superhuman hearing allowed her to listen in on. "Kat, I think I'm going to be late for dinner. I'm getting a lot of radio chatter about Pacific Air Flight 121, and some really weird conversation onboard too. Somethings about… snakes? Snakes on a plane? Now this I've gotta see!" Kat let out a faint shudder of disgust at that, making Cordelia snicker before shooting a few quick blasts of her heat vision at the Judge, separating his head from his body and his three remaining limbs for good measure. "Do me a favor and drag these down where nobody else can get at them for now? I'll go toss them in the sun or something when I get back." Kat nodded, leaned in to give Cordelia a quick peck on the lips, and then the blonde was rocketing up through the destroyed skylight, off to save someone else's day.

* * *

Left with nothing better to do, the group watched from afar as Kat slowly and deliberately sank one piece of the Judge after another into the ground, leaving swathes of torn up flooring and earth behind as she calmly disposed of one of the greatest supernatural threats to ever walk the earth. When she was finally done, she glanced over at the trio and reached up to tuck a strand of short black hair behind her ear before shrugging. "She's right, you know. You guys are terrible at this."

Before Buffy could respond, the older girl disappeared into the ground with a faint rumbling noise, leaving the blonde to bury her face in her hands as she let out a sigh of disgust. "I fucking hate my life sometimes."


	6. Hermione Granger (Harry Potter)

Joe's Note: I wanted to do a _Harry Potter_ crossover for this chapter, but couldn't decide who to have Cordelia go as. So I tweeted Charisma Carpenter to ask her favorite character from the series - had a nerd fail there because she evidently lives in a cave on Mars and has never read the books or seen the movies - and copypasta'd it to Amber Benson because… well, she happened to tweet right as I was sending out the message to Charisma. Shock of shocks? She replied too. Turns out that Amber's a Luna fan. And so while I know it violates canon rather badly by bringing Tara to Sunnydale two years ahead of schedule… I couldn't help myself.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom, Cordelia Chase absently extended her right arm out to the side and cast the one wandless spell her possessor from the previous night was competent with, calling her wand to her hand. And as she lay there, fingering the delicate pattern of raised vines that covered the ten and three-quarter inch long vine wood stick, the brunette found herself wondering when exactly it was that her life had fallen off the tracks and crashed into the world of the weird. Granted she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point, but what was the official point of no return?

Had it been when she'd been stupid enough make the bet with Xander? Or when she'd decided to throw the quiz they were betting on because she'd had no idea what to dress as for Halloween and figured he'd have a good idea for her? When she'd failed to put her foot down at the dorkism that he'd forced on her? Or had it only been when some kind of magic spell turned her into the girl she'd dressed as for Halloween, and she would have had a perfectly normal - albeit embarrassingly geeky - night if not for Ethan Rayne?

Cordelia continued to lay there fingering the wand as her thoughts turned to it. She already knew that she'd kept Hermione Granger's magical ability even after the end of the spell that had allowed the witch to possess her; the fact that she'd been capable of calling the muggleborn's wand to her hand with a mere thought was proof enough of that. But the wand chose the witch and while she'd temporarily become the girl and now held her wand… she was most emphatically not Hermione Granger. Was she close enough, though, for the wand to recognize her as its owner? Would it fight her because it had been taken from its mistress without being won? Would it respond to her at all? One way to find out, really. Propping herself up on one elbow, Cordelia pointed 'her' wand at the end of the bed. "_Accio_ uniform sweater!"

A dark grey sweater came rocketing towards her and Cordelia fell back onto the bed with a grunt as she threw her free hand up to grab it out of the air… only to end up staring at the blue and bronze bands that encircled the sweater's wrist in confusion. Ravenclaw colors? But Hermione was a Gryffind- "I-if you're going to use a v-v-verbal incantation to shape your spellcasting, Cordelia, it needs to be specific. They may just be mn-n-nemonics to help focus your power but if you can't even ask your magic to do the right thing, you certainly won't get the right response f-from it." Pulling her wand out from behind her ear, Tara Maclay gestured to the open doors to Cordelia's walk-in closet. "Especially with h-how many clothes you own, you need to be precise or you won't get what you want. Like this: _accio_ Cordelia's Gryffindor sweater."

"You do remember that Hermione sat through that lesson a year before Luna did, right?" Dropping Tara's sweater, Cordelia snatched her own out of the air and quickly dragged it under the covers with her so she could tug it on. After buttoning it, she squirmed up the bed a bit, moving to sit with her back against the headboard and her very naked lower half hidden beneath the covers. "But the thing is, I don't wear a uniform to school and I wasn't entirely sure you weren't just part of a really weird dream fueled by years and years of memories of Hermione cheating on her husband with Luna. So in my mind, 'uniform sweater' seemed specific enough to me."

Tara let out a soft hum of agreement before sitting up in bed, flicking her wand and wordlessly summoning several other pieces of her costume before shrugging on her blouse. Instinctively averting her eyes as Tara dressed, Cordelia soon found that she couldn't help but glance at the blonde out of the corner of her eye. Well, as far as unwanted magically-induced lesbian flings went, it could have been worse, Cordelia consoled herself. While ranking below the pair socially thanks to a particularly catastrophic encounter with Harmony on her first day at Sunnydale High, Tara was a good deal easier on the eyes than either Rosenberg or Summers. Although speaking of Harmony… Cordelia shuddered. Bedding her or one of the other Cordettes would have been an even bigger nightmare. Then she would have been stuck either facing the girl every single day or trying to force her out without being able to properly explain why. And most of them probably wouldn't have gone without a fight, which would have destroyed reputations all around and-

"W-would you like to take a picture?" Jerking as the unexpected question pulled her from her thoughts, Cordelia shot Tara a confused look and the blonde reached up to tap the tip of her wand against her temple. "You know, since p-pensieves don't actually exist. Preserve the memory and all."

Scoffing, Cordelia turned away from the blonde and began summoning some fresh clothes for the day to her… although how she was going to either dress or make it to her bathroom without giving the openly lesbian girl in her bed a free show was a mystery she'd yet to solve. "Pass. I'm not a member of the Rainbow Brigade like you, remember? I was just thinking that you were the least of the evils if this had to happen to me. Doesn't mean I would have chosen this - or you - if I'd had a choice."

"You could have chosen to kick me out of bed when you woke up in the middle of the night and found me here."

"In Sunnydale? Even I'm not that mean."

"Even before tonight, it wasn't like I was h-helpless. I would have been fine and you k-knew it."

"Yes, because I somehow knew that the mousy earth mother 'wiccan' who stutters every time a teacher calls on her was really the secret identity of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Not." Cordelia opted to conveniently ignore the fact that she could have punted Tara down the hall to one of the guest rooms, or even all the way to the living room couch. Because… yeah. She didn't really know why she hadn't done that. To distract herself, Cordelia looked down at the pile of clothes on her lap and then past them to the sheet. Tara was dressed, or at least dressed enough. So not only could the blonde not whine if she ran off with the top sheet, but there was no risk of seeing anything grimace-worthy while she was making her escape. "_Mutare linteum_." Unbidden, the spell slipped from her lips and Cordelia watched as the sheet wriggled and wrapped around her lower half, transforming into a pale blue Egyptian cotton skirt. Huh. Neat. It made her wonder what else she now had stuffed in her head, just waiting for a chance to be used. "All right, I'm going to go get dressed and then I can kick you out good and proper."

Not giving Tara a chance to reply, Cordelia slid off the bed and carried her clean clothes with her into the bathroom. Closing the door behind her, the brunette had enough time to undo the top button of her sweater before letting out a shriek of surprise as an ethereal, blue-white shape passed through the wall next to her, flying in a tight spiral around her body before alighting on the edge of the sink. The rabbit stared up at her, ears twitching, before opening its mouth and speaking with Tara's voice. "I don't even get b-breakfast first? M-Maybe a ride home? I think I deserve it for being such a good p-pillow last night."

Cordelia glared at the patronus before pointing at the door. While Hermione was familiar with the charm and its usage as a messenger, she'd never fully unlocked its secrets and Cordelia had no desire to find out the hard way that the caster could see through a messenger patronus's eyes. "First of all, the only reason you got turned into a pillow was because you were in the way of how I normally sleep. Second of all, I think there's still a box of Pop Tarts downstairs in the kitchen from the last time Maria tried going on strike and I had to make myself breakfast for a few days. Third of all… get out!"

"I guess this proves which side of your bed is the right one to get up on." The rabbit peered at the stack of clothes resting on the opposite edge of the sink before looking back up at her and offering what was undeniably a wink. "Black lace. S-s-sexy." Before Cordelia could even process that, much less respond, the rabbit turned and hopped through the door.

Sighing, Cordelia turned to face the mirror and then winced. Suddenly, she was very glad she'd thought to bring her wand when she retreated to the safety of the bathroom. Well, maybe 'remembered' was giving herself too much credit. Subconsciously included it with the bundle of clothing? Meh. Either way, it was a good thing she had it, because it turned out Hermione's magic wasn't the only thing she'd inherited from her fellow brunette. Her hand hovered over the wand for a moment and then she shook her head. "Shower first, rely on magic if shampoo, conditioner, and a bit of product fail me."

* * *

"Hmm. Not bad. Maybe I will keep you around. Could fire Maria and hire a maid who actually speaks English. Minimum wage, room and board, a stipend for decent clothes… what do you think?" The look Cordelia received in reply made it quite clear that Tara wasn't interested in a new after - and before - school job. Eh. Worth a try. After all, having a second wand around could have proven useful. Mass transfiguration of her wardrobe each time what was 'in' changed, for instance. Moving on… "Anyway, before I kick you out, I've got to know… Luna. Do you remember if she was serious about those snorkacks of hers? Or was she like, mind-fucking the entire cast of the series?"

Grinning like a cheshire cat, Tara added a bit of tabasco sauce to the scrambled eggs on her plate before tipping the entire reddish-yellow mess over onto a few strips of bacon. That accomplished, she began separating out mouth-sized bites of egg and bacon using her fork, creating little mountains of food all over her plate. "That… would be telling, w-wouldn't it?"

Cordelia groaned.


	7. Tela Vasir (Mass Effect)

Joe's Note: I actually finished this before Rhyming Review Day but decided to withhold it because… well, I never know what to do with them. I try to answer all my reviews, but I feel like I should do rhyming responses or something and I suck at poetry. Moving on… this one is definitely an obscure crossover; I'm using a character from the _Lair of the Shadow Broker_ DLC for _Mass Effect 2_. Unfortunately, Vanguards are few and far between in the _Mass Effect_ franchise outside of the player character, assuming they take that class out of the six offered. So my choices were really Tela, Tela, and Tela. On the other hand, you guys did fairly well with Burai… so let's see how this goes.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Well, at least as far as freaks of nature went, she was a cute freak of nature. Reasonably cute? Not entirely hideous? Sighing, Cordelia Chase reached forward, her blue fingers brushing against the mirror as she took in her transformed visage. If she ever met the person behind last night's 'fun' - and she was sure there was a person behind it, rather than just random Sunnydale screwiness causing them to all change into their costumes for a few hours - she was going to kill them. Because seriously, if she'd known ahead of time that it was coming? She would have picked a much better costume. Xena. Wonder Woman. That Power Girl chick she'd looked up after overhearing Xander and Jesse debating what they'd dress her as if given the chance. A Jedi from _Star Wars_; their aliens weren't half-bad looking. Or, if alienness was a given, maybe something from the recent _Star Trek_ movie?

But no, she had to end up getting transformed into a freaky blue chick with these pointy tentacle things instead of hair, no ears, and purple markings all over her face. Cordelia slowly drew her hand back before curling her fingers into a fist, an icy blue mass effect field springing up to envelop it seconds before she drove it into her mirror with a satisfying crash. Granted it didn't actually solve her problem - she was still a hideous freak - but at least now she didn't have to see it staring back at her anymore.

Until she went near another mirror.

Or anything else reflective.

This was what she got for being a girl of her word, Cordelia thought as she paced back and forth across her room. It had all started a little over a year ago, when she'd made - and lost - a bet with Jesse McNally, giving him the power to pick her costume for Halloween. He'd asked for permission to defer it to this year, wanting to give her plenty of time to perfect things. She'd allowed it because… she didn't remember anymore, honestly. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, though. When he'd died in March of this year, she'd debated throwing the whole mess away, or maybe selling what she'd gotten done so far on eBay to try and recoup some of the money she'd spent… but a promise was a promise, even to the corpse of a boy she hadn't really liked.

She really needed to start breaking her promises more, she decided.

As her pacing grew a bit more random, Cordelia bit back a curse as she stumbled over Tela Vasir's white, blue, and gold armor. Her first instinct was to rear back and kick it as hard as she could for daring to get in her way, but if it was still as real as her blue skin… she'd probably break her foot. After all, the little bit of Tela still inside her head reminded her, that armor was capable of stopping bits of metal moving faster than the speed of sound. It could definitely stop an irritated teenager's significantly slower and weaker foot but good.

And so instead, without knowing quite why she was doing what she was doing, Cordelia held her hand out over the Tela's breastplate. The icy blue glow of her biotics returned, and then the sizable and heavy piece of armor took on the same glow as it floated up off her floor. A flick of her wrist sent it flying across the room, hitting the carpet again and tumbling before coming to rest against her closet door as Cordelia watched with wide eyes. Biotics were good for a lot more than keeping her hand from being broken when she punched things, that little voice reminded her. It could make other things weaker, just as it had temporarily strengthened her. She could push objects away from her. Pull them towards her. Send explosive biotic pulses out in a line in front of her, clearing things from her path. Send herself racing forward in a nigh-invincible state. The possibilities, while not endless, were amazing. It almost made being stuck in her new blue state worth it.

Actually, no. It really didn't. Slightly more tolerable, maybe, but not at all worth it.

Her stomach growled and Cordelia reached down to rub it gently with one hand. The help would have to see her like this eventually, as would her parents. Might as well go find herself some breakfast. Looking down, the former brunette quickly amended that thought: find clothes, then find some breakfast. Showing up blue promised to freak people out enough. Blue and in her underwear? Heh, no. A quick mental tug yanked a t-shirt out of the top of her hamper, sending it flying across the room to her so she could snatch it out of the air. After all, Cordelia reasoned, it didn't make sense to put clean clothes on a dirty body. Dress, breakfast, shower, clean clothes.

Then Cordelia eyed the neck hole of her t-shirt. It hadn't changed. The size of her head had, on the other hand, thanks to her new asari head… tentacle… things.

Damn it.

* * *

"You know, I still can't decide if her doing this is sweet or disturbing."

"Disturbing. Then again, so are a lot of things Cordelia-related. Like the fact that you're dating her."

Buffy shook her head in amused resignation as she took another piece of popcorn from the bag she was holding before offering it to Willow. "Seriously, I know you two have had your issues - and her and I had some for a while - but can't you at least try and be nicer to her? For my sake? I'm nice to Amy, and it's her fault that I ran around town in just a raincoat while trying to jump Xander."

Blushing almost as red as her hair, Willow grabbed a handful of popcorn as another pulse of blue-white light illuminated the night, cramming it into her mouth and muffling her response. "S'not the same. Amy messed up once, and even that wasn't her trying to hurt you on purpose. Xander asked her to do that spell and she figured helping a friend of mine would score her points with me. Then… well, you know how that ended up working out. Cordelia's mean on purpose."

"Was. She was mean on purpose. She's trying her best to change. Which is why I need you onboard and being nice back to her. I mean, I can't exactly yell at her for being mean to you if you started it by saying something rude to her first." As Willow contemplated that, Buffy turned her attention back to her girlfriend, watching as Cordelia used her newfound powers to tear through the nightlife of Sunnydale. Not only because the pure violence of it appeal to the primal, Slayer-enhanced part of herself that Buffy tried to deny existed most of the time, but also because blue-white flares of light that accompanied the use of Cordelia's biotics were just plain pretty to watch.

Long, flickering blue and white streaks of energy highlighted her path as Cordelia charged back and forth across the graveyard, somehow managing to pass through any solid object that dared to get between her and her target. Balls of roiling icy blue light that could cause any number of effects when they hit their target: yanking them forward, throwing them backward, suspending them in midair, or even shredding them on impact. Oh, and the occasional giant crackling dome of power when she got overwhelmed in close quarters and sent out a pulse of power to knock all her opponents back. Seeing that last one was generally a sign that it was time for Buffy to get involved; the dome was powerful but took a lot out of Cordelia, leaving her vulnerable as she caught her breath. Still pretty, though.

Kinda like Cordelia.

That was one Buffy still couldn't figure out, and they'd been dating for three and a half months now - and sleeping together regularly for one of them. When had she started liking girls? Or, at a minimum, one girl in particular? At the time of Cordelia's change, Buffy had been dating a member of the opposite sex, even if things with Angel had been less than perfect at that moment in time, and had never so much as looked at another girl. Okay, that was a lie, she'd looked a tiny bit at this girl Claire who'd been on the Hemery High freshman cheerleading squad with her… but still. She'd never considered herself bisexual, much less lesbian.

And then Cordelia had gone and gotten herself turned into a pretty blue alien girl, and everything got weird on Buffy. They'd started talking a lot more, since Buffy spent several hours a night wandering the streets of Sunnydale and Cordelia could only go out at night. As a shared interest, Angel had been a frequent topic of conversation at first, only for that to decline as his relationship with Buffy disintegrated over his mix of half-truths and outright lies. Eventually the conversations had turned towards other things, both personal and mundane. They'd gotten to know each other. They'd liked what they'd found. And then… the kiss.

It would be all too easy for Buffy to try and blame it on the fact that she'd let Cordelia 'meld' with her several times before then, allowing the cheerleader turned asari to see into her mind and learn about vampires and demons far more efficiently than reading or Giles could teach her. Claim that Cordelia had done something to her that 'made' her gay, or that she'd taken knowledge from Buffy's mind that helped her seduce the blonde. Or maybe blame Willow for rubbing 'The Gay' off on her; the redhead had hooked up with Amy about a week before Buffy had kissed Cordelia for the first time.

But in all honesty… she didn't want to blame anyone. As strange as it was, Buffy was happy with where her life was at the moment. Confused about how she'd ended up there, sure, but happy. Thanks to her girlfriend's frequent appearances around the house, her mother had been forced to accept that maybe, just maybe Buffy had been telling the truth all along about vampires, demons, and her own role as the Slayer. Cordelia's presence on patrols made things far less dangerous for her on a nightly basis. And best of all? She didn't have to feel stupid for wanting to talk to Cordelia about… well, anything. If she wanted to talk about the latest fashions? Cordelia was there. An upcoming movie or some band's newest CD? Cordelia was down for that. Who was dating who at school these days? Damn straight Cordelia wanted to know.

Or at least she did when they weren't on the clock. When they were? Buffy watched as a body came bouncing across the grass towards them, Willow letting out a squeak as Cordelia lunged after it, plowing a glowing blue fist through the vampire's head and dusting it. When they were out slaying, Cordelia was a hundred and ten percent business. Mostly because - unlike with Buffy - it actually was business when it came to her. "Well, that's the last of my gigs for tonight. Is there anywhere in particular that Giles wants you to patrol?"

"Um, Sunnydale?" Buffy giggled at the sour look Cordelia shot her for that one, helping her girlfriend back to her feet. "But no, just 'go out and patrol and tell me what you kill'. Just all stuffy and British and using three times as many words as he needs to." Looking around the now empty graveyard, the blonde nibbled on her lower lip. "Any chance I can take credit for these? Because then we can call it quits for the night and I can still give him a stammer-worthy kill count tomorrow."

"I'd rather you not. If he starts pushing for information about some of the demons 'you' killed… yeah. Awkward." Cordelia ran her hands over her black leather pants, brushing off a few stray blades of grass. "Some of these guys weren't exactly the scourge of humanity. But while he's no Shadow Broker, Willy's a handy ally to have. So I do him a favor here and a favor there, and he feeds me information I can use to help you."

It took Buffy a minute to put all the pieces together, and then she frowned. So, Cordelia was playing mercenary - against targets Giles wouldn't approve of, at that - as a way of securing Willy's help. Well that just seemed silly, especially since she knew from firsthand experience that it was almost laughably easy to beat information out of him. "Oh. Gotcha. So… want to call it quits for the night and I'll just tell him I didn't find anything on patrol?"

Cordelia let out a chuckle at that, shaking her head in resigned amusement. "If you weren't trying to get out of doing work so you could spend more time with me, I'd so be complaining right now. Fine. Let's get Rosenberg home and then we can head over to my house."

As the blue-skinned girl turned and began walking away, Buffy nudged Willow in the ribs and the redhead let out a disgruntled sigh before calling out to Cordelia. "Would you like to walk with us? Maybe we can try actually talking to each other without exchanging insults? You know, for Buffy's sake?"

"Pass. Mostly because I know Buffy enjoys the rear view and I'll get something out of showing it off when we get back to my place."

Buffy blushed. It was true, but still.

Blush.


	8. Bellatrix Lestrange (Harry Potter)

Joe's Note: Well, we seeing as how we had a light-aligned _Harry Potter_ crossover in a previous chapter, I figured that doing something a bit darker in another might be kinda fun. Mostly because I've seen some gorgeous pics of Charisma Carpenter with dark and/or curly hair and can totally see the fusion in my head…  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Waving her hand imperiously, Cordelia Chase smirked as her magic flowed through the wand strapped to her forearm and her wordless spell tugged at the door in front of her, pulling it open before her. Breezing through, her curly black hair trailing after her like a comet's tail, Cordelia grinned as she swept past nobody's favorite trio of losers, watching out of the corner of her eye as they gaped at her. Lame. Her other classmates, while equally surprised, were much better at hiding it. They looked, or even stared, but they were at least subtle about it. Or tried to be. Shaking her head, she rounded the corner and made her way over to where her friends were waiting for her at her locker. "Good morning, girls. Everyone else have fun last night?"

Her assembled minions exchanged looks halfway between nervous and confused for a few seconds, and then Harmony finally had the courage to step forward and ask what they were probably all thinking. "Cordelia? What… what the heck did you do to your hair? And what are you wearing? Since when is the cheap goth slut look in?"

"First of all, it's not cheap or… well, too slutty. Goth, I'll give you. And secondly, you know how things work around here. I tell you what's in and you wear it. Well, I've decided I'm in the mood for something new. Deal with it." Cordelia turned and glared at Harmony with eyes that - like her hair - were now substantially darker than they'd been a day ago. The blonde let out a little squeak and shrank back, making Cordelia smirk as she turned her attention to her attire. Granted it was utterly unlike anything she had ever worn before - or ever expressed any interest in owning, much less wearing - which made the girls' confusion somewhat understandable: a pair of black leather pants and a plain black tank top, with a black fishnet shirt thrown on over it. Bellatrix had generally worn things that were sexy but covering, while Cordelia preferred a bit more flash and skin… and this had been the best compromise her jumbled mind could settle on that morning. It'd taken a bit of transfiguration and the sacrifice of three pairs of pants and five tops to produce something adequate, but at least she'd ended up feeling comfortable in her own skin when she finally left her room that morning. "I like it. Let's just say I've had… a change of opinion. About a bunch of things."

Aura was the next one of her minions to try growing a spine, looking Cordelia up and down before shaking her head emphatically. "Sorry, but black does nothing good for my complexion. So you have fun looking like a freak, but I want no part of-"

"_Silencio_." At point blank range, the spell didn't even have time to fully manifest as a burst of light before striking the school's token African-American. Aura's mouth continued to move but nothing emerged, the other girls' expressions shifting from 'nervous and confused' to something more accurately described as 'still confused but also fairly terrified'. "Everyone follow me." Nodding mutely - not that Aura really had a choice - the girls followed Cordelia to a classroom she knew was empty during first period. "In." Her minions looked at each other but filed into the room sedately: Aura leading the way with Harmony close behind, and then Aphrodesia, Gwen, and Katie, with Alexis bringing up the rear. All present and accounted for, then. Good. Meant she could take care of all of them at once. "So, does anyone have an inner goth crying to be set free, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?"

After looking around to see what the others would do, Katie slowly raised her hand and Cordelia raised an eyebrow. She'd decided to uplift the thrice-over oddity to their tier of the social pyramid for reasons she'd never shared with the Cordettes. Was there a fourth unusual but interesting facet lurking beneath the shy and quiet exterior of the… hoping to find an answer to a question that had long bothered her, Cordelia dug into Bellatrix's memories but again came up empty-handed. What was the proper term for a non-white person from Scotland? Chinese-Scottish? Meh, whatever. Maybe one of these days it'd pop into her head at an appropriate moment and she'd finally just ask Katie and be done with it. "If I lie and say yes, do I get a pass on… whatever you're going to do to everyone else?" Cordelia thought about that for a moment before shaking her head. "Oh. Then no. Sorry."

Cordelia shrugged. "Well, you know what they say: the only stupid question is the question you don't ask. Unless you're Harmony. A lot of her questions are stupid." Drawing her wand, she turned and pointed it back at the door. "_Colloportus_." The doorframe glowed a bright blue for a second, followed by the odd squelching sound that assured Cordelia the spell had taken hold. Before the girls could realize what she'd just done, Cordelia whirled around and jabbed her wand at Harmony. "_Petrificus totalus_!" Her second-in-command's arms and legs snapped together, the bottle blonde tipping backwards against the blackboard with a squeal. In a matter of seconds, Cordelia had the other five Cordettes immobilized and arranged in a neat little line next to Harmony. Which was perfect for the next phase of her plan. "_Imperio_."

While Bellatrix had quite earned her title as Britain's most feared witch, mastering a frightening large array of dark arts spells up to and including the three Unforgivable Curses, the Imperius Curse had actually been one of her few weak spots. As someone who generally relied on fear and intimidation to control others, Bellatrix had generally found herself unable to manage the more subtle coercion needed to impress her will upon someone under a properly cast Imperius Curse. Cordelia, on the other hand? Manipulation was her middle name.

Actually, it was Dominique.

Whatever.

Another difference between the two of them? Cordelia still had an active subscription to _Sanity Fair_. People as a rule tended to not enjoy being tortured into submission. It left them bitter, rebellious, and constantly looking for a chance to stab you in the back. Cases in point: Severus and her sister Narcissa. Bellatrix's sister Narcissa. Whatever. Mind-controlled minions floating along in a blissfully happy state, on the other hand? Much less likely to try and fuck her over.

"From now on, you'll obey all the commands I give you. You can ask questions if you don't understand, but you will obey me. You've also decided that you no longer like your current wardrobe, and want to come to the mall with me after school to replace most or all of it with clothes I pick for you. Oh, and when I finally let you go home today, you're going to get online and look up local martial arts schools so you can sign up for lessons somewhere. Just because you're a muggle doesn't mean you have to be totally worthless." Making her way down the line, Cordelia proceeded to put the other five Cordettes under the Imperius as well and then, after a moment of thought, circled back through the girls again so she could transfigure their clothes into black-dominated outfits similar to hers. "Much better." The bell range to announce the start of first period and Cordelia winced. And now they were late. Or rather… "Time to go be fashionably late, girls." The Cordettes nodded mechanically and Cordelia groaned as she realized she'd overlooked a very necessary command. "Except for the wearing black part, try to act naturally. Actually, scratch that. Act mostly naturally, but smarter than you usually are. I'm tired of having to rock a straight C average to avoid making you all look like slightly retarded squirrels in comparison."

"Yes, Mistress."

Cordelia perked up a bit. "You know, I really like the sound of that." Then reality set in and she wilted. "…but it's going to cause all kinds of problems if you call me that in public. I don't need everyone thinking I get together with you guys after school to break out whips and chains. Stick to calling me Cordelia in public. Mistress in private."

"Yes, Cordelia."

Clucking her tongue, Cordelia shook her head. "No, Cordelia is for in public. Your fellow minions don't count as public. When it's just us, I'm your mistress. Merlin, even mind-controlled, I think I have more working brain cells than all of you put together."

"Yes, Mistress."

"Perfect."

* * *

Buffy scowled as Cordelia entered the cafeteria, trailed by her ever-present flock of sheep. Her existing dislike for the girl had grown into outright hatred in the days following Halloween as the newly raven-haired girl had begun forcing her revised ideals upon the school's various cliques, effectively banding ninety-five percent or more of the school together into one mostly agreeable group… that excluded her, Willow, and Xander. And while being firmly and permanently placed on the outside looking in rankled, it wasn't nearly as bad as the way her fashion sense protested at… "Since when was punk and goth slut the 'in' thing?"

"About the time it became cool to be a geek. Well, a geek that's not me." Willow shot a look of pure loathing at the sole glasses-wearing member of Cordelia's inner circle. Evidently, when faced with the choice of hanging out with Willow or hanging out with Alexis the Brainy Cordette, the intellectually inclined members of the school were prone to choosing the latter. Probably because Alexis was both smart and pretty, while Willow was smart and… well, she could clean up nicely when she wanted to but usually didn't. And so while they didn't really count as friends to lose, per say, it had caused the pool of people the redhead could talk to when she wanted to down to a whopping two: Buffy and Xander.

Perhaps because he'd been least affected by their new outcast status, Xander found it easiest to focus on the positive and tilted his head to one side as he enjoyed the evil gothy scenery. "I wonder if it has anything to do with the girls moving into Cordy's house." Buffy and Willow turned to look at Xander in surprise. "What? Girls aren't the only ones who gossip. Guys talk about stuff too. We just don't call it gossiping because it's… girly. But yeah, word is that something happened to Cordelia's parents. They emancipated her and left her everything before running off to some little island. First thing she did was move the Cordettes in with her. Makes you wonder what they get up to in there…" He went silent and Buffy shook her head. He probably wouldn't be back from that fantasy trip until lunch was over.

Just as Buffy was about to dismiss Xander and his hormone-fueled rambling, Willow decided to toss in her two cents. "Actually, Xander might be onto something. I mean, not with the whole implying they do naughty stuff part, but that something strange might be going on. I saw Cordelia talking to Amy Madison today." That definitely had Buffy's attention; up until now, Amy had been a fellow member of the five percent of outsiders that the Scoobies also occupied. If Cordelia was going out of her way to change that, it had to mean something… right? "Which isn't all that incriminating, I know, but if you think about it… Catherine Madison was a dark witch who cursed Cordelia. Amy is a witch and probably still has all her mother's books. If Cordelia could get Amy on her side, that could be the start of something seriously bad."

Buffy nodded. Cordelia would have plenty of time to be up to something 'seriously bad', too, now that she'd dissolved the cheerleading squad. That had… actually been better received by their classmates than Buffy would have thought. Maybe because Cordelia had presented it to them in a way that made a lot of sense: they didn't go to competitions like most other high schools did these days, and so the cheerleaders were putting in a lot of time and effort for not a lot of return. Time they could be spending out and about with the rest of the school, instead of holed up in the smaller gym practicing.

If it had been any other girl, Buffy might have taken her at face value. But Cordelia? Cordelia not wanting to cheerlead anymore ranked up there with cats and dogs living together as a sign of the end of the world. No, the girl was definitely up to something. What… now that was the question. Buffy was going to find out.

Wasn't like she had anything better to do with herself these days…

* * *

"Buffy Summers?"

"Here."

Cordelia watched as the woman in charge of the law enforcement booth drew her gun and pointed it at Buffy. Seriously? It wasn't as if she hadn't thought about offing Buffy a few times herself, especially since the start of the bottle blonde's recent Nancy Drew kick, but shooting up a school was just so passé. Unfortunately, there were people between Cordelia and the cop… but one of her girls had a clear shot. Tara Maclay, the new eighth member of her inner circle, drew her wand. "_Accio_ Buffy!"

Okay… not quite what she'd been thinking, but Cordelia could work with that. As the Slayer was yanked backwards by an invisible force, Cordelia drew her own walnut wand and jabbed it in the cop's direction. "_Expulso_!" The burst of purple-white light crossed the distance between them in a second, picking the woman up and slamming her into the wall hard. After debating it momentarily, Cordelia decided that she really didn't want to be stuck with a prisoner to interrogate - read: torture - and that it probably wouldn't be safe to turn over someone deliberately trying to tangle with Buffy to Sunnydale's finest. Accordingly… "_Avada kedavra_!"

And then in a burst of green light, it was over. Ignoring as the still panicking students continued to flee the scene, Cordelia slowly made her way over to the fallen woman, her friends falling in around her as she stared down at her first human kill. Even though Cordelia genuinely wanted to feel bad about what she'd done… thought she should… she just couldn't manage it. Maybe it was the bit of Bellatrix still inside her, soothing her conscience before it could become guilty? Or the whole 'crazy lady is trying to kill people' thing made it easier for her to justify? Cordelia shrugged. She'd ponder it later. Maybe never. For now, she had a situation to take care of. "Amy?"

"Can do, Cordelia." Stepping forward, Amy reached up and pulled the wand Cordelia had given her out of her bun, her brown hair cascading down her back as gravity took hold. Ten and three-quarter inches long with an intricate pattern of vines decorating its length, it had been one of the many… trophies… Bellatrix had taken during her time in Cordelia's body on Halloween and accordingly, Cordelia hadn't been the least bit upset to see it leave her possession in the hands of a new owner. Especially given what a godsend Amy had been since Halloween and the chaotic days that followed. Far smarter than Harmony and magically knowledgeable to boot, Amy had quickly supplanted the bottle blonde as Cordelia's second-in-command. Recently, Cordelia had even bestowed upon her a privilege she'd never trusted Harmony with: the right to issue her own orders to part or all of the group when needed, rather than simply supervising the others to make sure they carried out Cordelia's wishes. "Anyone driving something bigger than my mom's van today? No? Okay, Tara, you levitate the corpse and follow me. I'll keep anyone from noticing what we're up to. Katie, Gwen, you're on door patrol. The rest of you, go make yourselves seen so nobody realizes that we're missing. Now. I want to get the body dumped and be back in time for fourth period."

The Cordettes quickly dispersed, carrying out the tasks Amy had given them, leaving Cordelia alone to face Buffy and her friends. Which now included Oz, evidently. Huh. She'd have to have a word with him later about spending time around the wrong sort. When they made no move to try anything more complicated than staring at her in disbelief, she sighed. "Well, as exciting as being stared at by you is… it's really not. I just saved the school from getting shot up because you've pissed someone off. I think that earns me enough good karma to offset a Sirloin Swiss &amp; Grilled Onion Burger. Ta." Turning on her heel, Cordelia disappeared with a pop, apparating to a nice secluded spot on the other side of the brick wall that ran along the north side of the parking lot at the Jack in the Box on West Pico Boulevard. From there, it'd be a mile and a half jump to Rodeo Drive… and maybe a nice black leather Louis Vuitton handbag to go with her new wardrobe?

Because while she could do a lot with her new powers, she had yet to figure out how to pull thirty-six hundred dollar Selene MM handbag out of thin air. She could, however, transfigure printer paper into cash by the ream… and why purchase something legitimately when she could get her handbag and mess with the muggles at the same time?


	9. Shaak Ti (Star Wars)

Joe's Note: I got some surprise from people at seeing Buffy in the Tela Vasir chapter. To clear the air once and for all… I don't hate Buffy. I don't like Buffy. I am wholly apathetic towards Buffy. Every character in the series has their own negatives; Buffy is - to me at least - sole holder of the distinction of not having any unique positives to counterbalance those negatives. To me, there is literally nothing about her that I can't find in at least one other character that I like more. So I don't write her. Why? Because then I'd be forced to do constant BINO writing to justify my 'love' of the character - you know who I'm talking about - or they'd probably all end up bashfics because I do see a lot of negative aspects in the character - and you can probably take a guess as to who I'm referring to here, too. And gosh darn it, if I'm going to be known as the one-note author dude? I'd much rather be the "who are the hot chicks Joe is hooking up this week?" guy than the "where is Joe's not-really-Buffy being a Mary Sue this week?" guy or the "what's the setup for Joe's weekly Buffy bashfic?" guy. Because really, isn't cute lesbian fluff much more fun than either of those prospects?  
Edit Note: While I originally entitled this chapter 'Ahsoka Tano', it was a half-hearted - at best, probably closer to quarter-hearted or even eighth-hearted - attempt to pin at least one of the characters to a canon _Star Wars_ counterpart because none of the others were viable. So when I sat down to rewrite it as part of revising and expanding the story, I decided to give this chapter a more thorough rewrite than anything else in the collection. Hope it's better this way.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

She hadn't been back to school since Halloween.

It wasn't as if Cordelia Chase had no interest in attending high school because despite what she'd told her peers here and there over the years, she did see its value. After all, while she'd liked to dream and talk about a future as a television or film actress, she also knew the odds she was facing trying to get into that industry in any meaningful way. And since being Crime Scene Victim #3 didn't exactly keep a nice roof over one's head or decent food on the table, she'd known that she needed a backup plan. Which required a college degree, and colleges were generally sticklers about needing those 'high school diploma' things when it came time to apply for admission. No high school, no college, no bachelor's in anything.

Although it'd definitely be a Bachelor of Arts in something. Because there was no way in hell she was going to walk around bragging about her BS.

But while Cordelia wanted to go to school - somewhat missed it, even - circumstances had conspired against her to make it quite impossible for her to attend classes with her peers at Sunnydale High School any longer. After all, there were plenty of weird-looking kids that walked the halls of her former school… but no carnelian, white, and blue aliens. Or just plain blue aliens. Or pointy-eared, color-changing aliens. Or white fish-girl aliens. Or… okay, aliens were just plain out. No aliens to be found. Meaning that - thanks to Halloween - her and school were two things that no longer got along. Although it could be worse, she consoled herself. At least she wasn't stuck here spending all day everyday on her own.

Opening the Camera app on her iPad, Cordelia switched to the front-facing camera and studied the image staring back at her on the screen. At first, her bizarre transformation had offended her sensibilities on a number of levels. Her perfect, carefully maintained tan had disappeared in favor of carnelian skin. The odd white patches around her eyes made her look kinda like a panda. Her gorgeous hair was gone, replaced with three blue and white tentacles: a matching, semi-flexible, thigh-length pair that tended to cascade down her front along with a thicker but shorter tentacle that hung down her back. Oh, and then there were the twin horn-like protrusions that matched the patterning of her tentacles.

But as time passed and Cordelia absorbed and processed the fragments of her costumed persona, she'd slowly come to accept her new self. She was stronger this way. Faster. More flexible. Smarter. More rational. More patient. And that was before she even factored her newfound ability to manipulate the Force into things. Sure, she wasn't Cordelia Chase anymore, at least not in the strictest sense. But… Cordelia Ti, or whatever she wanted to consider her composite form? It wasn't that bad a life. And-

Click!

Cordelia looked up from her iPad, letting out a soft sigh at the familiar sight of a camera lens hovering far too close to her face for comfort. As she stared straight into the camera impassively, Harmony Kendall took another picture before holding up one finger, taking a big step to the side so that she could capture things from a different angle. Once she was satisfied, Harmony brought her camera up to rest on one magenta shoulder and then brushed some soft blue hair out of her eyes before taking a seat on the brown wicker ottoman in front of Cordelia. After a few seconds of blissful silence, she cleared her throat. "So, not trying to pressure you or anything, but have you talked to Kat about the couple shoot? Because my followers really liked the pictures of Sia and Lani at the beach, and-"

"How you haven't gotten us dragged off to Area 51 by now, I have absolutely no idea." Cordelia sighed as the former blonde opened her mouth, raising her free hand to cut Harmony off. "Rhetorical statement, Harm. I actually do know the answer, it's just hard for me to wrap my mind around. These days, the cops start getting twitchy if you try to take pictures near the train station, and you can forget the airport. But here you are, posting photos of a bunch of _Star Wars_ aliens on the Internet. Constantly. I just… how has nobody from the government seen these yet and demanded the site give up the information they need to track us down here?"

Grinning widely, Harmony hefted the Canon 1D Mark IV in her right hand and waved it back and forth, making Cordelia cringe. With how much she'd paid for the thing as a 'sorry that the costume I made you wear for Halloween got you turned into an alien' present, she would have appreciated it if Harmony treated it with a bit more care. "Duh. I'm not posting 'pictures of aliens' on Tumblr. As far as all of my many, many fans know? I… am a Photoshop goddess who likes to post pictures of my pretty friends who I've 'shopped to look like aliens as part of an art class assignment. And since that's evidently something that people already do for fun when they're bored and lonely and nerdy - well, the transforming people into aliens part; of course they don't have hot girls as friends if they're nerds - nobody thinks 'whoa, real aliens!' when they see my stuff. It's just 'whoa, cool art' to them, and I rack up tens of thousands of notes for each. Lots of likes but plenty of reblogs with comments for me to respond to, too."

Cordelia stared at Harmony in disbelief; even though the Force was telling her that her friend was speaking the truth, it just… seriously? People were honestly stupid enough to believe that a girl could go from accidentally getting her fingertips and hair in iPhone photos to an artistic 'goddess' that quickly? Granted her viewers probably weren't thinking with the big head, but still. Wow. Cordelia wasn't sure she could sell anyone who actually knew the girl on that particular lie even with the Force as her ally. But getting back to the original question… "And no, I haven't talked to Kat about your idea. Not that I need to, now that you've brought it up right in front of her. Kat? Thoughts?"

"Pass. For now, possibly forever if you're looking for the same kinds of photos as the ones you took of Sia and Lani." Lowering the book that she was reading, Kat McKee shot a baleful look at Cordelia. "And shame on you for not telling her no right off the bat. You should know me better than that. I wouldn't have done that sort of thing before Halloween, and now it would be even weirder and more awkward."

That earned the now-younger girl a bemused smile from Cordelia. "To quote the illustrious Grand Master? 'Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter'. We both know who and what you really are, no matter what Halloween has done to you. Didn't we already have this discussion the morning after, when you were worried that I would break up with you now that you're physically fourteen instead of twenty-six? About how as far as we should be concerned, you're the same as those poor short girls who look like middle schoolers even when they're most of the way to thirty and so there's nothing weird about us staying together?" Thankfully, while Cordelia had inherited Shaak Ti's physique and her memories, she neither looked nor perceived herself to be fifty-something years old. Kat, on the other hand, still felt like her old self but it was hard to ignore that her body had reverted to that of an adolescent Togruta. Personally, Cordelia didn't really see the problem: there were plenty of juniors who dated freshmen, and she even knew a few who weren't gross guys trying to score with naïve younger girls. "So no, I didn't automatically assume that-"

Kat leaned down and set her book on the ground before flopping over against the taller girl with an annoyed huff. And that was another fun aspect of their transformations: Cordelia had gone from being two inches shorter than her girlfriend to a good three inches taller. "First of all, I've never been a fan of having my relationships publicized for any reason and you know that. Secondly? Given what most guys are probably doing while looking at Harmony's pictures, I feel like even if that wasn't true, the fact that this particular 'crude matter' is fourteen would make doing that sort of shoot… kinda really gross?"

"…well yes, when you put it like that, obviously it's disgusting." Wrapping an arm around the girl's shoulders, Cordelia pressed a kiss to the spot between Kat's montrals and then rubbed her cheek against the top of her girlfriend's head. "You know, I've been trying to be graceful about all this but… you do realize that if you'd listened to me about your Halloween costume then you wouldn't be in this situation, right?"

Tipping her head back, Kat scowled up at Cordelia. "How was I supposed to know that I was going to get turned into my costume? Besides, _Clone Wars_ Ahsoka is a lot simpler than the _Rebels_ version, and a whole lot easier to find stuff from on Etsy. Sure, I could have 3D printed her new lightsabers from that file you found me, but her headpieces would have-"

Cordelia reached up to tap Kat on the nose, bringing the girl's ramble to an abrupt end as she sputtered and reached up to rub at her nose frantically. "Been something that I could have bought you as a present? From the same person who was already doing an adult Togruta prosthetic for me?" Kat opened her mouth to reply, only to close it with a snap as Cordelia batted the tip of her right lekku against her girlfriend's cheek. "I'm sorry, were you going to say something else about how hard it is to make an adult Togruta costume?" Kat tried to defend her costume choice for a second time, only to be brought up short as Cordelia flicked her wrist and swatted the girl's orange cheek with her lekku again. "Oh dear, I seem to be developing a tic. I should really see a doctor about that, or maybe our resident healer. Tarriss?"

"What can I do for you, Cortilia?" Sweeping through the Snake Creeps Down movement, Tara Maclay coasted to a stop in the middle of her t'ai chi form and peered back over her shoulder, meeting Cordelia's offended expression with a faint smirk of her own. "Oh, sorry, I thought this was Completely Unfunny Name Portmanteau Day. Is it not?"

Even as both Harmony and Kat - traitor that she was - began to giggle, Cordelia sniffed haughtily and looked away. "Tarriss is funny."

"No. No it's not." Tara shifted to balance on one leg, curling her right leg up under her before slowly kicking it outward for the Golden Rooster Stands on One Leg, displaying the sort of fluidity and balance that Cordelia would have envied before Halloween. Now? She was easily as graceful as the Mirialan if not more so, and she did it all with a trio of swaying lekku altering her center of gravity. Slowly spreading her arms, Tara set her right foot back down on the grass and shifted her weight onto it before slowly mirroring the previous move with her left leg. "And I don't even need to go get my medkit's scanner to figure out that you're suffering from an infection. I believe the scientific name for it is… _Obnoxiosae cunnus_?"

"…what?"

"You're a bitch, Cordelia. I'm calling you a bitch."

Wow. Rude much?

* * *

"'The beast will walk upon the earth and darkness will follow. The several races of man will be as one in their terror and destruction.' Aww, that's kind of sweet. Different races coming together."

"You never get even a little tired of hearing yourself speak, do you?"

From her perch atop one of the stacks, Cordelia watched as Mayor Wilkins chuckled before turning to Giles. "That's one spunky little girl you've raised." Pausing, he leaned in and lowered his voice a hair. "I'm gonna eat her." With speed surprising for a man his age, Giles grabbed a sword laying on the table and thrusted it clear through the mayor's chest, making Wilkins stagger back a few steps before regaining his balance. "Whoa! Well now, that was a little thoughtless." Reaching up, he wrapped one hand around the hilt of the sword and pulled it out of his chest… but seeing the wound that was quickly healing over was enough. He could heal, sure, but he could still be hurt. Their plan was sound. "Violent outbursts like that, in front of the children? You know, Mr. Giles, they look to you to see how to behave."

Buffy scowled at that, crossing her arms over her chest. "Get out."

"I smell fear. That's smart." Pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket, Wilkins slowly wiped the blood from the sword as he looked from Buffy to Giles and back. "Some of your deaths will be quick, if that's worth anything. Well, see you all at graduation." Smirking, he tossed the sword back to Giles before turning away. "You don't want to miss my commencement address. It's going to be one heck of a speech."

_'Now, Sia.'_

Before the mayor could take two steps toward the door, an icy blue plasma blade lashed out and severed his head from his body. "No. It's not." The air rippled as Aphrodesia released her grip on the Force, light unbending itself from around her body and make her perceptible to mere mortals once more. "Well. That was easier than we expected, wasn't it?"

Cordelia leapt nimbly from her perch, landing in the center of the library even as the remaining members of her odd little alien girl gang came boiling out of the stacks. As they descended on Wilkins's corpse, using their lightsabers to separate the immortal man's body into smaller pieces for transport, Cordelia circled around to stand next to Aphrodesia before pantomiming holding an envelope to her forehead. "What entire fraternities have said about Harmony."

"You're just jealous that guys still want me and you couldn't pay them to fuck you looking like that."

"Pfft. I'd fuck her for free." All activity came to a halt as everyone turned to stare at Hokulani Palakiko, the Nautolan looking back and forth nervously as her face flushed a darker shade of green. "…that was out loud, wasn't it?" Cordelia nodded slowly, making Lani groan before drawing herself up straighter. Good girl. Own your fuck up. "I mean, I would. Just out of curiosity, how do you feel about threesomes and reverse sushi?"

"Reverse sushi?"

"You know… fish eating you?"

Personally? Cordelia found herself a more than a little intrigued by the offer, especially after having witnessed how long Lani could hold her breath in the pool. She shot a beseeching look over at Kat, who raised her inactive shoto and drew the emitter across her throat. Well then. That answered that. Because as curious as she was about fishgirl-on-her sex - and no matter how much her inner Shaak Ti was calmly whispering that it was very much possible to have sex purely for the sake of sex, without any attachment or emotion involved - she wasn't curious enough to damage or destroy her relationship over it. "Definitely a tempting prospect, but I think I'm going to have to decline." Locking eyes with Lani, Cordelia reached out with the Force. _'For now, I mean. If Kat breaks up with me, though… call me.'_

_'…I heard that.'_

Shit.


	10. Thor (Marvel Comics)

Joe's Note: After doing two separate "wake up and ugh" stories in this series, I decided that I'd jump off a common bridge in the fanfiction community and do one that followed the good old "they woke up together and lived happily ever after" trope. Emphasis 'they', in this case. Oh, and I'm doing a bit of sampling from Norse mythology proper here. Mostly because Marvel had an odd pattern of picking and choosing when it came to establishing their versions of the characters. Sif, for instance, had her golden hair restored at the beginning the very tale that detailed the creation of Odin's spear Gungnir and Thor's mighty Mjölnir…

* * *

On one hand, she was now a redhead. And it wasn't even a nice, rich, classy shade of red. She had freaking Weasley hair.

On the other hand, she hadn't gotten stuck with the Weasley freckles and the red hair was just one part of a greater transformation from mortal to ásynja. She was now the closest thing this world had to a Norse Goddess of Thunder, with all the powers - and the kick ass hammer - that entailed. For that, Cordelia Chase decided, she was willing to tolerate her newly red hair.

After all, look at the perks! Even if Cordelia didn't include the many and varied abilities of Mjölnir… she was probably the strongest being alive at the moment. The fastest. She was practically invulnerable and - while not completely immortal - would live far longer than most anyone else here on Earth. And while she probably only considered it a positive because some of Thor had gotten left behind in her head after the previous night… another perk of her new nature? The women!

Turning away from her mirror, Cordelia made her way back over to the queen-sized bed that had previously seemed spacious but now felt confining to her both in terms of length and width. Picking one of the forms under the covers at random, she reached out and swatted it on the ass. "Rise and shine, konurnar!"

"Slap my ass again and this 'lady' is going to get up and do some very unladylike things to you, Cordy." Opening her dark blue eyes, Buffy somehow managed to both yawn and glare at Cordelia before stretching… and going very still. After a few seconds, the bedding began to rustle as she moved her arm back and forth under it, patting at her body as best Cordelia could tell. "I thought that maybe we were sideways across the bed or something but… wow. I'm like, a foot taller than I'm supposed to be, aren't I?"

Shrugging, Cordelia looked down at the considerably more of herself than she'd had the night before. "Wouldn't surprise me. I measured myself a few minutes ago and it looks like I've put on about eleven inches overnight. My driver's license says I'm five foot seven. According to the mark I made on the doorframe? I'm a perfect six and a half feet tall now." She quickly grew bored with her self-inspection, having already spent a significant amount of time staring at herself in the mirror, and so she leaned down and shook the other two figures laying in her bed. "Oh come on, get up! We're goddesses now! This is like Christmas, but with more muscles and a really big hammer! I want to see what this body can do, and try out Mjölnir, and then go out shopping for a wardrobe fit for a godde-"

A foot suddenly shot out from under the covers, nailing Cordelia in the stomach and sending her sprawling onto her back on the carpet. As it slowly disappeared back under the covers, its skin tone shifted from a dark blue-grey to a more familiar, pale pink color. "I'm a Jewish girl who's been turned into a frost giant and trickster god out of Norse mythology. I'm pretty certain Christmas wants nothing to do with me." Lifting her head just long enough to shoot a glare at Cordelia, Willow Rosenberg rolled over and snuggled into the body of the slightly smaller blonde next to her. "If you have to bug someone, sister, bug your wife. I'm not getting up until I'm darn well ready to, and I know several spells I can use to silence you if you want to argue the point."

"Ugh. Lame." Climbing back to her feet, Cordelia crossed her arms over her chest and pouted as she eyed the heretofore silent fourth member of their mini-pantheon. "Harm?" Harmony Kendall opened her eyes just long enough to meet Cordelia's and shrug before snuggling closer to Willow's taller form. And judging by how much of the bed those two were taking up, she and Buffy weren't the only ones who needed to get their IDs updated. Three of them were going to need the hair field updated, too: her, Willow, and… "I wonder if they actually let you put 'gold' on your license." Only Buffy reacted, shooting Cordelia an inquisitive look as the other two pointedly ignored her, but she was the only one who actually mattered. Reaching up, Cordelia tugged on her own hair for emphasis. "Seriously? Am I the only one who actually read that website Willow sent us all the link to?"

Buffy slowly pushed herself up into the sitting position, the sheets pooling around her waist and revealing half of a body that had been dramatically improved by the previous night's magic. Before Cordelia could enjoy the view too much, though, Buffy let out a gasp of surprise. "Wow. I mean, I know that story said that Loki got the dwarves to make Sif some replacement hair made of gold, but… my hair is literally made of gold now. Thousands of super-thin strands of gold." Slowly waving a handful of hair back and forth in front of her eyes, Buffy hummed softly. "I wonder if I can cut it at all? It's a little long for my tastes and, well, it's made of gold. This could be like, a full ride to UC Sunnydale right here."

Before Cordelia could voice her thoughts on her Buffy cutting her gorgeous hair, a bolt of yellowish-green eldritch energy shot through the space between them. "This could also be, like, the bedroom. Where people are trying to sleep." Staying snuggled up against Willow, Harmony waved her glowing hand back and forth lazily before pointing over at the door that led to the hall. "Go there and talk." Then she pointed at the door to the ensuite bathroom. "Or go in there and talk. I don't care. But if you're going to keep talking? Go. Away."

"Excuse you? Last time I checked, this was my bedroom and… eep!" Operating on pure instinct, Cordelia called Mjölnir to her from where it lay on the floor, using it to deflect a second bolt of magic up into the ceiling. Scowling down at Harmony as her friend lowered her arm, Cordelia gave a petulant stomp that shook the entire second floor of the house. "Fine! I wanted to go and take a shower anyway!" After leaning down to deposit her hammer at the foot of the bed, Cordelia made her way over to her dresser and pulled out one of the oversized t-shirts she sometimes used as pajamas along with the baggiest pair of sweatpants she owned. Hopefully, they'd be big enough or leaving the house to get her new goddess-worthy wardrobe was going to be an issue. After a few seconds of contemplation, she withdrew another oversized shirt and her next baggiest pair of sweats and then proceeded to toss everything through the door to her ensuite. Wandering back over to the bed, she offered Buffy her hand… and a wicked smile. "I've never tested this, mind you, but the shower's big enough for four or five people. It should be able to fit at least two ásynja."

Buffy stared at the proffered hand with an uncertain expression, not that Cordelia could blame her. After all, less than twenty-four hours ago they'd been two pairs of enemies, roped into dressing up together for Halloween by a man who had a very interesting definition of the word 'volunteer'. Today? To be hideously sacreligious and borrow something she remembered from CCD all those years ago, they were basically the word-made-flesh of four powerful beings torn straight out of the mythology of a long-dead people. Three outright deities and a powerful sorceress, who shared a rather sordid past that included one marriage, one ongoing affair, and a rather Alabamian view on brotherhood. Or perhaps siblinghood, since Loki was never a man when he and Thor… oh, whatever. The point was, Cordelia could totally understand any uncertainty on Buffy's part, and- "Eh, I could probably use the help washing all this hair." Buffy grabbed Cordelia's hand, allowing the taller girl to pull her out of bed. "And it's not like you haven't already seen all there is to see of me… eiginmaðurinn minn."

Scoffing, Cordelia pulled Buffy closer and then lifted the gold-haired girl off the ground, tossing her over one shoulder before swatting her on the ass again. "Okay, first rule of our strange new world? This girl is nobody's 'husband', thank you very much. Heteronormativity is for sheep; trying to separate a lesbian couple into 'the man' and 'the woman' is like trying to figure out which chopstick is the fork. Either use eiginkona mín or girlfriend… or just plain Cordy works too." Buffy grumbled softly under her breath before making a vaguely agreeable noise. "Secondly, I've gotta know. That thing you can do with your tongue… is that something you knew before tonight, or did you learn it from Sif? Because I've got one joke about Hemery High cheerleaders ready and another about 'training with the valkyries', and I need to know which one to go with."

"…no comment."

* * *

As another faint moan drifted through the wall to where they lay, Willow opened her eyes and let out a disgruntled sigh. "I suppose we might as well go join them, huh? Because if I'm not going to get any more sleep this morning, I might as well get… well, some."

Slowly running her hand down Willow's side, Harmony let out a throaty laugh. "If you can't say it, sweetie, I'm pretty sure you're not ready to be doing it."

"Hey! Depending on how you look at it, I either lost my virginity while possessed by a Norse god last night or during the sex that we kept having after we got our bodies back. I'm allowed to be kinda shy still." Actually, to be honest, Willow found the idea of the 'who' more daunting than the 'what'. After all, she still had some of Loki's memories rattling around in her head… and he'd had sex with a horse. A male horse. Compared to that, a lesbian threesome - or foursome, if Harmony decided to come with her - was nothing.

But the who… that damnable who. Since they'd never actually broken it up, she was technically still the president of the We Hate Cordelia Club. On top of that, Buffy was her best friend and Harmony was… Harmony. It was one thing to have sex with the three of them while possessed, and a kinda similar thing to just keep going with the flow afterward. But to actively seek out sex with two girls who'd been her enemies for the past decade, and a third girl that she definitely shouldn't have those kinds of thoughts about? Something else entirely.

Willow was pulled from her thoughts as Harmony forced her onto her back and climbed on top of her, the blonde pressing her breasts against Willow's as she smiled down at her. "Right. Well then you can stay here and be shy. Me?" Nodding in the direction of the bathroom, Harmony's grin turned decidedly sultry. "I'm going to go try my best to get clean and dirty at the same time." With that, she slid off of Willow and then out of the bed, her hips swaying from side to side seductively as she walked away.

"That isn't go to work, you know!" Willow sat up on the suddenly empty bed, crossing her arms over her chest as she scowled at Harmony. The blonde looked back over her shoulder at Willow, and the dark-haired girl shook her head emphatically. "It's not."

Arching an eyebrow, Harmony grinned. "What isn't?" Winking, she disappeared into the bathroom.

"You know exactly what you… you…" Willow looked down at her hands, doing her best to ignore the door and the noises coming from behind it. "I'm not going in after them. I mean, it's Cordelia. I don't care how gorgeous she is now. Or how kissable Buffy's lips are. Or how nice it felt when Harmony was nibbling on my neck and pressing her breasts into my…" Trailing off, she shook her head again. "Nope. Not doing it. Just because they're completely fine with what happened and diving right back into-" Her train of thought was derailed by a muted thud followed by the loudest moan yet. "Oh for crying out loud!" Throwing off the sheets, Willow slid out of bed and stomped toward the ensuite. "Stupid sexy friends…"


	11. Wanda Lehnsherr (Marvel Comics)

Joe's Note: Over the course of the first ten entries, Cordy managed to get more ass than a toilet seat: Willow, Tara, Buffy, and then she manages to land Willow AND Buffy AND Harmony simultaneously in 'Thor'. But then I realized that, well, at least 25% of high school cheerleaders experiment with members of the same sex and so I was doing us all a grave disservice by ignoring Cordelia's hot as hell minions. So, let's correct that oversight as we coast over the Fic-a-Day finish line!

* * *

Staring upward, Cordelia Chase twisted a strand of her newly darkened and curled hair around her left index finger as she waggled the fingers of her right hand idly, watching as motes of red light arced between them. Exactly when had her life derailed and crashed into the world of the weird, she found herself wondering. Granted, she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point… but what was the official point of no return?

Had it been when she'd been stupid enough make the bet with Xander? Or when she'd decided to throw the quiz they were betting on because she'd had no idea what to dress as for Halloween and figured he'd have a good idea for her? When he'd so brilliantly played her by dangling the prospect of freedom from his dorkism only to end up ensnaring two more of her friends through her? Or was the point of no return far more obvious: when some kind of magic spell turned her and her friends into their costumes, transforming them into a trio with a fairly questionable definition of the phrase 'close family'?

Cordelia continued to lay there, eyeing the ceiling uncertainly as she pondered whether or not she would be risking asbestos exposure by using her powers to remove the gaudy popcorn ceiling that had escaped the last renovation. It depended on how she did it, she finally concluded. If she was smart and, say, decreased the probability of it being installed in the first place? Or increased the probability of her parents paying to have the hot mess removed during the two weeks in freshman year that she'd been forced to live in the guest room? They'd just cease to exist in the present, and how could that possibly affect her body?

And if she was wrong? She could always mess with the probability of her contracting mesothelioma, couldn't she?

Eventually, she was pulled from her thoughts as the person lying next to her in bed let out a loud yawn before elbowing her gently in the side. Glancing to her left, Cordelia raised an eyebrow at Aphrodesia Michaelis, who smiled back at her sheepishly before running a hand through her spiky silver hair. "Any chance you can increase the probability of Maria wanting to spontaneously drop off breakfast in bed for five this morning?"

"For five? Jesus, how many people did I fuck last night?" Groaning loudly, Gwen Ditchik pushed herself up onto her elbows and surveyed the bed before frowning. Cordelia bit her lip to avoid laughing; evidently her bedmate lacked Lorna's level of control over her magnokinetic powers, and her chin-length green hair was currently a hilariously fluffy and wild mess that quite literally defied gravity. "Okay, I'm counting me plus two. One plus two equals three, not five. Did I sleep through decision-making on a shower rotation or-"

"I'd make some sort of joke about last night's fun, eating, and how you're delicious but not nutritious… but I'm too hungry to be funny. Which is why I'd like to make with the breakfasting sometime soon." Displaying the flexibility that had earned her a spot on the varsity cheerleading squad as a sophomore, Aphrodesia blurred into motion and somehow managed to go from laying on her back beside Cordelia to being sprawled out on her stomach atop the comforter. Given the unhappy groan from the headboard, Cordelia was pretty sure it had gotten used as a springboard during some phase of the maneuver. "Too bad it's already like, 3PM in Italy. Because if I can remember how much Wanda liked her fette biscottate, chances are that you'd like them just as much…"

Hmm. It was afternoon in Europe and the middle of the night in Wanda's second favorite vacation spot of Japan, but it was breakfast time all across the Americas. Including Boston. Sitting up, Cordelia waved her hand and used her powers to create a notepad and pen. Or rather, she changed the odds of her having left one on her bed at some point for no apparent reason. Semantics. Writing down an address she'd only visited in another life in another reality, she tore the page out and handed it to her speedy companion. "Carol introduced Wanda to Mike's Pastry during one of their girls' weekends. Go find us something good?" Aphrodesia nodded enthusiastically and tensed up, only to go limp as Cordelia wrapped the girl in a bubble of her power, anchoring her in place. "…after you go find pants."

Aphrodesia nodded rapidly as Cordelia released her, scrambling down to the end of the bed before throwing her legs over the side and rising to her feet. After zipping back and forth across the room several times, she came to a halt and frowned. "Problem: I have no pants. Or, well, anything else."

"Yeah, that'll happen when your sister disintegrates your clothes because she's in a hurry to get to the good parts. Forgot about that. Damn it." Cordelia sighed; while the loss of Aphrodesia's fairly simplistic Quicksilver costume was an inconvenience, Wanda stripping herself and Lorna down the same way had cost Cordelia and Gwen a few hundred dollars - and a perfectly lovely outfit - each. Snapping her fingers to recapture Aphrodesia's wandering attention, she gestured to where her laptop sat atop her desk. "My password is 'cheertator'. Hop on Polyvore and see if any geeky girls have thrown together a set of clothes based on Pietro. Once you find something, lemme know and I'll make it impossibly likely that I just so happen to have the entire outfit in your sizes in a bag in my closet."

"Considering how much some of the stuff on there costs, I probably shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth… but why a girl Pietro outfit?"

"Because for some reason, the idea of wearing anything other than red or black suddenly makes me cringe. And if I'm going to be stuck living with a case of Power Ranger Syndrome, so are you." Cordelia held Aphrodesia's gaze until the silver-haired girl held her hands up in surrender and then streaked over to sit down at her desk. As the speedster got to work, Cordelia looked over at Gwen, who was eyeing her curiously. "What?"

Tilting her head to the side, Gwen continued to stare at Cordelia for a few more seconds before finally speaking. "You're taking this awfully well."

Cordelia shrugged. What did Gwen want her to do, run around screaming and crying hysterically? As if. She was the queen bitch of Sunnydale High. She had a reputation to maintain, even if there were only two potential witnesses. "I could say the same about you."

"Why would I freak out? I mean, I've been given superpowers in exchange for a few hours of being possessed by a pretty cool chick and… well, this is an average Friday night for me and Aphrodesia. We've even had a third a few times, although obviously never you." Even as Cordelia tried to process the surprising revelation about her squadmates' love lives - not that she was disgusted or anything, more surprised that she'd completely missed that there were others on the squad who shared her proclivities - Gwen kept going. "And even if I'm not Lorna's father's daughter… you can't deny that we're like, goddesses among mortals now. From putting on a costume and having a lesbian threesome. That's fucking awesome. Pun intended." Grabbing two extra pillows, Gwen piled them atop hers so she could lean back against them as she watched Aphrodesia work. "Besides, if you think about it? It could be worse."

"Oh?"

"Well yeah. You've known you were going as Wanda for a month now. Imagine if Xander had decided to go as Pietro? Not only is he Xander, but a guy whose superpower is speed? Probably not that great in bed." Gwen burst into laughter at the look of disgust that crossed Cordelia's face, only to grab her chest with both hands as she abruptly went still. She gave her breasts a few experimental squeezes before laughing again, albeit far more softly. "Uh, I think I'm going to need you to mess with the odds of me having accidentally bought bras a few sizes too big for the last few months." Glancing over, she shot a pointed glance at Cordelia's chest before slowly sliding her eyes upward. "After you're done with your own, that is."

Huh? Cordelia looked down… and then realized that she could see a lot less of her lap than she was used to. And a lot more breast. "Dumnezeule mare!"

* * *

It wasn't until the whispers gave way to mutters and then outright chatter that Willow's attention was drawn away from her meticulous reorganization of the books, folders, pens, and assorted other educational minutiae inside her locker. Looking back over her shoulder, Willow's jaw dropped.

While Cordelia and her friends generally cut imposing, unique figures in a sea of mediocrity and uniformity, today they were more unique than usual. Actually, Willow reminded herself, unique was a word that couldn't be modified because something was either unique or it wasn't and so things couldn't be 'more' unique… but she'd come up with an alternative description later. Even with her new silvery-white spiky hairstyle, Aphrodesia was actually the least eye-catching of the trio in blue jeans, a white scoop singlet, and white high-top sneakers, a diamond-studded lightning bolt necklace bouncing against her sternum as she walked. On the other side of the school's queen bee, Gwen cut a slightly odder figure with her bright green hair and entirely green outfit consisting of a sweater, flounced wrap skirt, and ballerina pumps.

But Cordelia… yowza. Willow wasn't even into girls and even she had to admit that Cordelia looked hot with a capital H, O, and T. Like Gwen, all the pieces of her outfit were a single color - red - but her tight and low-cut dress, tights, and high heels were clearly designed to scream 'gorgeous woman' rather than Gwen's 'cute girl'. As the trio passed, Cordelia pushed her red sunglasses up onto the top of her head and then looked over at Willow. Raising her hand to her mouth, Cordelia blew the redhead a kiss that sent a cloud of scarlet energy motes floating through the air toward the stunned girl. Cordelia just offered a throaty laugh in response to Willow's wide-eyed look, pulling her sunglasses back down into place before continuing on.

It took Willow a few seconds to reboot her brain and then she pushed off the wall, staring at the retreating backs of Cordelia and her friends. What… how… why? Then she noticed that Gwen's purse was floating along under its own power behind the green-haired girl even as Aphrodesia twirled a pen between her fingers impossibly fast… and she knew the answer to at least two of those questions.

Willow knew something else as well.

"…next time I need help picking out a costume, I'm going to ask Xander for help."


	12. Queen (Kyoryuger)

Joe's Note: This was going to be a _Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger_ crossover originally, specifically because I wanted to play with the rangers' ability to summon the powers of past teams. So basically Cordelia would have had thirty-five teams - and hundreds of rangers - worth of power at her fingertips. But… _Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger_ is even more awesome. Because dinosaurs. And dancing. So I decided to go in a different direction.

* * *

As she stared down at the yellow and black gun in her hands, Cordelia Chase marveled at the strange duality of it: it looked far too much like a children's toy given the incredible damage it was capable of unleashing. While she was by no means an expert on guns, she was reasonably certain that the Gaburivolver fired bigger bullets than anything short of a sniper rifle, with the added bonuses of being far more portable and having unlimited ammunition thanks to the fact that it was essentially a technomantic construct. And that was even before one took into account what would happen when it was fed a Beast Battery or two. It was then that Cordelia realized exactly what words were running through her head… and realized that her life had officially gone off the tracks and fallen into the world of the weird.

Personally? Cordelia blamed Xander Harris. If he hadn't been doing that whole verbal flailing thing he claimed was trying to insult her, she never would have gotten dragged into that stupid conversation about who was smart and therefore would never have made a bet centered around an upcoming test… and their respective Halloween costumes. Which in turn would have prevented her from needing to order her girls to go along with what he picked out for her because she had no intention of being the only one who looked stupid for Halloween. That would have meant no transforming into their costumes, and no decimating the warehouse district as costumed heroes in an effort to kill off as many vampires as demons as possible.

On the other hand… she could have not thrown the quiz. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, seeing as how she'd had no idea for a Halloween costume and Xander was a boy. Obviously if given the chance, he'd want to put her in something really sexy, right?

Trust Xander to screw something that simple up.

But hey, at least she wasn't alone in her freakdom.

"All right, girls, these things are obviously not back to being the toys we bought… but we have no idea what's going to happen if we try to transform using them. Last chance to back out. Aphrodesia? Aura? Gwen? Harmony?" Cordelia looked around the circle of girls slowly, waiting for each girl to shake their head before moving on to the next. When Harmony scoffed before tossing her hair and brushing a newly dyed pink streak back out of her eyes, Cordelia let out the breath she'd been holding. Good. Because if her life was about to get even weirder, she definitely didn't want to be alone in it. "Okay. Batteries out and line up."

Even as the Cordettes moved to obey, Harmony let out a huff. "I still don't see why you get to be in charge. I mean, I get why you're Cordelia and we're the Cordettes… but shouldn't we all be equals here? We all have the same powers."

Cordelia shrugged as she shifted the Gaburivolver to her right hand and then used her left to fish out a Beast Battery. "Red is always the leader. I don't make the rules, Harm, I just exploit them for my own benefit. Brave In!" Thrusting out the battery, she pushed down on the small bump on the top near the right end, causing it to make a whooshing sound. From either side of her came matching calls, followed by whooshes as the other girls' batteries powered up. Pushing the gun's hammer to trigger whatever mechanism opened its mouth, Cordelia shoved the Beast Battery in and then smacked the top of the Gaburivolver to close it once more, praying she would hear…

"Chomp-a-chomp! Gabutyra!"

"Chomp-a-chomp! Parasagun!"

"Chomp-a-chomp! Stegotchi!"

"Chomp-a-chomp! Zakutor!"

"Chomp-a-chomp! Dricera!"

Well, that certainly boded well for their future as spandex-clad freaks of nature. Cordelia shot a grin to one side and then the other before assuming a ready stance. "Might as well go all the way, then. Kyo-"

"What is something that Harmony says on the first date?"

"…I hate you, Gwen."

Rolling her eyes, Cordelia waited for the giggling and shoving to settle down before clearing her throat. "As I was saying… Kyoryu Change!" Her left hand rose and she flicked her fingers over the Gaburivolver's cylinder, causing it to spin and emit red sparks. Then it was a hop to the left followed by moving back to the right, right foot crosses over the left and then a spin, right arm up… "Fire!" Cordelia felt more than saw the gun discharge, and then a bolt of red and yellow light came whizzing down and around her body. Lowering her arm, she did her best to remain absolutely still as there was a loud chomping noise. Costume. Then another chomp, and her field of vision became a bit more limited as a helmet appeared around her head. Running mostly on autopilot, Cordelia ignored the cheers from around her as she took two steps forward before letting her body flow a series of well practiced motions. "Hear our roar! The fanged hero, Kyoryu Red!"

Then she waited…

And waited…

And waited…

A pink form brushed against her body as it passed, and then Harmony turned back to face Cordelia before crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head. "No. That is where I draw the line. I'll do the whole 'we follow the red because it's tradition' thing, but we are not doing a roll call."

Even though she knew they couldn't see it, Cordelia found herself pouting as she straightened up. "You guys suck."

"No, that's just Harmony."

"Oh my fucking God, Gwen, will you shut up?!"

* * *

"It has begun. My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected; I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish."

Cordelia rolled her eyes as Mayor Wilkins began to groan and squirm behind the podium, his face distorting as he transformed from a ridiculously mundane-looking human into a demonic snake. A demonic snake that quickly grew to outrageous proportions, towering over them all as he let out a loud roar of triumph. "Kinda wishing we had Kyoryuzin right about now. Or even just Gabutyra. Bite that bastard in half." As the assembled parents and guests behind the rows of graduating students screamed and stampeded toward the exit, Cordelia shot a lazy grin over at her friends. "We ready?"

"Ready."

"Did UPS deliver our latest win off eBay?"

"No. Sorry, I waited as long as I could, too."

Damn. Cordelia had really been hoping to get her hands on a Plezuon Beast Battery or three; there was no way that having access to the Plezuon Rocket wouldn't be helpful when fighting a giant demon. C'est la vie. Next time, she'd pay for the expedited shipping instead of assuming that she'd be day five, six, seven, or eight on a 'five to nine day shipping' option. Shooting a glance in the other direction, she snorted as she watched Buffy and her minions shift impatiently. They really were in a hurry to get themselves killed, weren't they? Seriously, the Mayor was turning into something that took a volcano to kill. How much damage did they really think they could do- "Now!" The crowd of students came alive at Buffy's shout, stripping off their graduation gowns to reveal a wide variety of smuggled weapons… including several homemade flamethrowers, Cordelia noted with a raised eyebrow. They really had been busy these past few days, hadn't they?

But they weren't her concern. Rising to her feet, Cordelia stripped off her own tacky red gown and then hiked up the right side of her dress, allowing her to draw the Gaburivolver from the holster she'd made for it. Then she pulled a Beast Battery for her cleavage, spared a moment to thank God once more for giving her the ability to make use of Victoria's Secret Compartment, and then tapped the small bump near one end of the battery. "Brave In!" Stuffing the prepped battery into the mouth of the Gaburivolver, she brought the gun up next to her head and flicked her fingers over the cylinder. "Kyoryu Change!" After a year and a half, the girls had enough transformations under their belts that their dance was actually graceful, rather than the stumbling mess from the day after that fateful Halloween. Rather than aim the Gaburivolver upward, Cordelia thrust hers out in the direction of the Mayor's gross and snaky form before pulling the trigger. "Fire!"

Five jets of light shot out toward the Mayor, resolving themselves into the heads of five different dinosaurs. Each one slammed into his body, making him roar in pain and flinch backward, and then looped back around to head for its owner. Cordelia waited impatiently as her costume formed and then her helmet, before dropping to one knee as she dug through the large purse she'd crammed under her chair. As she worked, she kept half an eye on the Mayor, who was winding back and forth across the stage as he stared down at them uncertainly. "Golly. I certainly didn't expect something like this…"

"Oh trust me, it's about to get even stranger." Finally finding what she was looking for, Cordelia hauled out the Gabutyra de Carnival that she had paid far too much for on eBay a few months back. She still couldn't believe how high the bidding had gone; hadn't those losers known she needed it to help save the world? Thankfully, despite not being affected by Halloween's magic, Cordelia had been able to power up the included Carnival Beast Battery and bring the toy to life. Which in turn granted her access to almost all of her fictional counterpart's abilities. "Let's go, Minityra!" After twisting the toy's head a hundred and eighty degrees, she pulled out the folding grip and then worked the lower jaw to 'cock' the crazy little thing.

"Oh! Party time! Carnival!"

The switch to her powered up form came with a bit more freeform of a dance… that wasn't really any less dorky than the one that accompanied her standard transformation. Cordelia grit her teeth and bore it, though, knowing it was a necessary evil. Thrusting Minityra into the air, she pulled the trigger. "Fire!" Minityra leapt out of her hands, letting out excited screeches as it flew around over her head, before looping around to slam into her from behind. A heavy new piece of armor formed over her chest, her costume gained some funky new white and yellow accent markings… and Cordelia struck the requisite pose. "Kyoryu Red Carnival!"

Everything around her came to an abrupt halt, not that Cordelia could blame them. She was pretty eye-catching like this… although wasn't she always? "You're lucky you're more powerful than all of us put together like this, or I would so be mocking you right now." Harmony shook her head before inserting a second Beast Battery into her Gaburivolver and rubbing it down her right arm, summoning the DriceLance and a layer of protective armor. "Have fun storming the castle."

"Have fun protecting Summers and her genius friends from themselves." Cordelia grinned as Harmony huffed and flounced off; at least she only had to face a giant snake demon. Compared to the Cordettes, she had things easy. Seriously, who thought going after a sixty foot tall monster with medieval weapons was a good idea? Pointing Minityra at the Mayor, Cordelia pulled the trigger several times, unleashing a few small bursts of energy followed by a single longer one. The small shots all ricocheted off his snake form's hide, impacting the stage and blowing holes in it. Her final attack actually scored a dark burn mark down the length of the Mayor's body, making Cordelia frown for a moment before nodding decisively. This was going to take… well, not all of their powers combined, but at least three of them. "Gwen! Aura! I need a battery from each of you!"

When neither responded, Cordelia chanced a look back over her shoulder… just in time to see Gwen kick a vampire in the chest, eliciting what sounded suspiciously like a Wilhelm scream as it went flying over the edge of the terrace and disappeared from sight. "This! Is! High school!" Giggling at her own supposed wit, the blue-clad Cordette turned and pushed the button that opened her MoBuckle. Pulling out one of the three remaining Stegotchi Beast Batteries, she wound up and hurled it in Cordelia's direction. "Insert joke about you sticking my toys inside you here!"

Cordelia rolled her eyes as she caught the battery and spun, tucking it between two fingers as she stretched her hand out in Aura's direction. "You know, now that we actually have an audience? I want to formally object to my costume color. Having the black girl be the Black Ranger is tacky as hell. And probably racist." Ignoring the oft-voiced complaint, Cordelia made a beckoning gesture and Aura let out a huff before withdrawing a Parasagun Beast Battery from her MoBuckle and tossing it her way. "Why couldn't I be the White Ranger? You know, be ironic or something?"

"I'm pretty sure that if our team had a White Ranger, it'd be Harmony."

"Shut! Up! Gwen!"

"We all know that Harmony is a slut, Gwen. But I'm starting to wonder if there's a reason that you're so obsessed with her sex life. Snapping Change!" As both of the girls in question sputtered denials, Cordelia pulled the red and white Beast Battery out of Minityra's mouth, quickly feeding three new Beast Batteries into the gun in rapid succession, cocking it each time before pulling the battery out and replacing it with another.

"Amigo Carnival! Gun-Gun-Chomp! Gotchi-Gotchi-Chomp! Gabu-Gabu-Chomp!"

Cordelia debated whether or not to fire a multi-pronged energy blast at the Mayor before ultimately deciding it was probably a bad idea. She'd never seen King fire anything other than straight up when changing forms, and what would happen if the Mayor managed to bite Minityra in half or swallow him or something? "Fire!" Energy blasts in the shape of two different dinosaurs' heads emerged from Minityra's mouth this time, swirling around over her head before diving toward her arms. The Paras Beam Gun shimmered into existence on her right arm along with some black armor, even as the Stegotchi Shield and matching blue plating formed around her left. Then she realized she had a problem: King had used this configuration once with Kyoryuzin, but never as a Snapping Change. Shit. Um. "Kyoryu Red… Motim Carnival!"

Motim. Riot. Because with the whole shield and weapon thing, she felt kinda like a riot cop. It fit, right?

Then her time for pondering her linguistic wittiness was up and the Mayor threw himself at her headfirst. Cordelia brought the Stegotchi Shield up to block his attack, feeling her boots skid backward along the ground as they bled off his forward momentum, and then grinned widely inside her helmet as he made a puzzled noise. Her right hand came up and she unloaded a barrage straight into his eye with the Paras Beam Gun, the purple-black bolts of energy causing the fleshy orb to explode. Flinching back, the Mayor let out a noise halfway between a scream and a roar and Cordelia's smile widened.

Oh yeah. This was going to work great.


	13. Trainer (Pokémon Go)

Joe's Note: And now we're entering the Kat and Cordelia Power Hour. Which is to say that while some of the stories before this featured Cordelia being paired with another character - and the Toph Bei Fong, Kara Zor-L, and Shaak Ti chapters have all been rewritten to incorporate Kat - all of the chapters from here until the end will feature Cordelia with Kat as a minimum. At least one will feature Cordelia with both Kat and another girl, possibly as many as three… but I'm having too much fun playing with Kat in _Red, White, and Blue_ and _Welcome to the Universe_ to leave her out of my new Cordelia-centric short stories. This particular story is going to sorta play off the hipster-esque bickering that I've seen on my Facebook since the release of _Pokémon Go_: while both Kat and Cordelia will have dressed as Pokémon trainers, their teams will vary wildly to reflect the fact that Kat has played all six generations of games while Cordelia downloaded _Pokémon Go_ on her iPhone just to see what all the fuss is about. Enjoy.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

"Do you think I could teach her to do tricks?"

"What, like sit? Stay? Give paw?"

"Well, I mean, nothing that basic but-"

Sprawled out on her bed with her back against the headboard, Cordelia Chase let out a soft snort as she watched her girlfriend idly stroke her Eevee's back as she thought. "Considering that you're the Pokégeek out of the two of us, sweetie, I can't believe I'm having to tell you of all people this… but they're smart enough to talk, even if all they can say is their own name over and over again. You can teach them a lot more than just, like, stupid pet tricks. I mean, check out what Princess Fluffybutt can do." Her Vulpix raised its head lazily at the mention, and Cordelia used her right hand to gesture in the direction of her walk-in closet. "Can you go get my Louis Vuitton purse for me? You know, the pink one that I use on Wednesdays?"

Kat McKee's jaw dropped as the Vulpix tipped sideways and tumbled gracelessly off the end of the bed, hitting the floor with a soft thump and padding off in the direction of Cordelia's closet. After rooting around for almost half a minute, she emerged with the strap of the aforementioned purse clenched between her teeth. Trilling proudly, Princess Fluffybutt dragged it all the way over to the bed and then leapt up onto the mattress, bringing the purse along with her. After preening for a few seconds at her accomplishment, the Vulpix promptly flopped down on top of her prize, curling up like the overgrown fire cat that she was. "…I'm not sure whether I should be impressed or horrified that you've had her for all of two days and she already knows what designers' names mean. On a similar note, kinda surprised you didn't name her Chanel or something."

"Are you kidding me? She is the epitome of Princess Fluffybutt. Look at that butt! Look how fluffy it is!" Cordelia waited a few seconds to see if her Vulpix would indulge her with one of her corgi-like butt wiggles, only to let out a sigh of disappointment as the Pokémon remained where it was. "She's also the one thing on this earth that's lazier than Harmony."

Snickering softly, Kat released her Eevee and watched as it padded down to join Fluffybutt near the end of the bed, looking inordinately proud of itself as it sat on the Vulpix's head. Or rather, it looked proud of itself for a few seconds before letting out a startled noise and jumping up as the smell of burning fur filled the room. "Oh my God, can you two not? That's the kind of smell that lingers for hours even with the windows open." Ignoring her, Eevee whirled and tackled the Vulpix… or rather, it tried to. Given that Fluffybutt was literally twice its size, the poor Eevee ended up slamming headfirst into the larger Pokémon's side, its body's momentum causing it to flip up and over the Vulpix before tumbling off the edge of the bed. "…you deserved that."

Cordelia burst out laughing as her Vulpix continued to lay there, completely nonplussed by what had just happened. "Oh my God, what a little asshole. Hey, none of your Pokémon have names. Can we call her Buffy? It totally fits: runty, unnecessarily aggressive, prone to doing really stupid things…"

"Pass. Mostly because it seems to like sleeping in my bed with me and… well, do you really want to hear about how I love snuggling with Buffy while I'm falling asleep?" Kat raised a challenging brow and Cordelia shook her head rapidly before shuddering. Not only was that a big fat no, but now that she thought about it? It promised to make for some truly awkward moments if overheard. "That's what I thought. I'll probably name them at some point, though. Once I get to know their personalities a bit better." The pair lapsed into silence for a bit, watching as a thoroughly disgruntled Eevee clambered back up onto the bed, giving Fluffybutt a wide berth as it made its way back up to flop across Kat's shins. Suddenly, Kat made an inquisitive noise, staring down at the Pokémon. "You know, at least until my knee heals? Eevee would make a pretty kick ass service animal."

That… in any other town, it would have been a terrible idea. Eevees were pretty obviously Eevees; only someone who was literally blind could possibly confuse one for a cat or a dog or any other real world animal. In Sunnydale? People would still notice, but they'd just shrug it off as part of the town's unending weirdness. "Speaking of your knee, how is that going? Obviously you're still walking with a cane, but do they have any idea how long you're going to be like this?"

"The doctor thinks that it's prepatellar bursitis, and thankfully it's just inflammation and not an infection or anything. On one hand, that means I don't need antibiotics or surgery. On the other, it means that there's nothing to do but ice it, rest it, and hope for the best." Shrugging off her girlfriend's concerned look, Kat gestured down at her Eevee. "That said? The less stress I put on it, the faster it'll heal. Which means the helper Eevee idea isn't a terrible one. Hmm. Eevee? I left my bag downstairs with my keys and wallet on top of it. Can you go get my wallet for me?" The brown, fox-like Pokémon stared up at her for a few seconds with a distinctly indignant look on its face, but eventually it scampered over to the edge of the bed and dove off. "That was a distinctly sassy look. I'm getting sassed by my own Pokémon. This is ridiculous. I bet Ash never had to deal with that."

"I only made it through one episode of that stupid show and even I know that is literally Ash's life with Pikachu like… all the damn time." Cordelia grinned as Kat snorted and cuffed her arm gently before shifting to kneel beside the brunette. Leaning forward, she rubbed Fluffybutt between her ears as her eyes wandering over to where the rest of her girlfriend's Pokémon had curled up in a giant multicolored pile of cute after being released from their balls. "I feel like this is probably going to lead to a nerd lecture that'll put me to sleep… but how come I only recognize your Eevee and like, two of the others? You can't be that far ahead of me in _Pokémon Go_, we play it together." Pausing, she narrowed her eyes as she looked back over her shoulder at Kat. "Or do we? Are you cheating on me with another walking buddy?"

That earned her a bark of laughter as Kat awkwardly crossed one leg over the other so that she could bump a foot against Cordelia's hip without unnecessarily stressing her injured knee. "Even if I had any free time outside of work, you, and sleep? Like hell I would spend it walking anywhere with anyone ever." Yeah, that had been a pretty stupid thing for her to suggest, Cordelia had to admit. Still. That didn't explain- "You don't recognize them because they're not in _Pokémon Go_. Yet, at least."

Oh. Right. The cartoon had featured three trainers with twelve Pokémon between them, and the only one that Cordelia had recognized from the game was Pikachu. Kat had patiently explained to her that the mobile game that Cordelia had gotten hooked on was merely the tip of an iceberg that contained - among other things - eighteen core games with two more releasing that month, nineteen seasons of a cartoon, and a bunch of other stuff that she didn't really care about. And that there were a lot more Pokémon beyond the ones they were catching on their walks, but _Pokémon Go_ only included the species that were in Generation 1. AKA: stuff from the games that came out before Cordelia was born. "So then how do you have them?"

"Really good headcanon?" Kat shrugged, looking from Cordelia to the pile of cuddling Pokémon and back. "When I dressed up for Halloween, I pictured myself as being an all Eeveelution trainer because there's enough of them in the real games that you can have a team with six different ones. I only used Eevee, Jolteon, and Vaporeon on Halloween because after I realized that all of your Pokémon were from Gen 1, I was afraid that if I threw one of the other three balls, it would turn out to be empty. When I got home and Eevee popped out of her ball, I let Jolteon and Vaporeon out and then decided that I might as well see what happened if I opened the last three. Spoiler alert: they weren't empty."

Well obviously. Sliding off the edge of the bed, Cordelia made her way over to the Poképile, earning a couple of curious looks as she scrutinized them more closely than she had when Kat had let them out of their balls earlier. Jolteon. Electric fox thing. Vaporeon. Mermaid fox thing. Obvious naming convention. "So then you have Eevee, Jolteon, Vaporeon… and what? Veganeon, Faerieon, and Elsaeon?"

There were a few seconds of silence and then Kat burst out laughing, only to snort and clap her hands over her mouth in dismay. After composing herself, she let out a quieter snicker before finally responding. "Elsaeon?"

"I dunno, it looks like an ice-type Pokémon and that was the first thing to come to mind." Dropping to her knees, Cordelia gently petted the two-tone blue Pokémon, its cold skin causing her to shiver. Then something occurred to her and she peered back over her shoulder at Kat. "Wait. If that's the only one that you're picking on me for, does that mean I'm right about the other two?"

"Yes. The grass-type Eeveelution is called Veganeon."

"Really?"

"No. It's called Leafeon. Which isn't much better, but it's a kids game. Veganeon. Honestly." Kat scooted her way down to the end of the bed, gently petting Fluffybutt with one hand as she gestured with the other. "Leafeon is the grass-type, Sylveon is the trans flag Pokémon, and Glaceon is the ice-type. They also make Umbreon, Espeon, and Flareon. Dark, psychic, and fire-types respectively. I'm guessing that my Eevee will evolve into Umbreon or Espeon someday, because obviously there's no 'Eevee Candy' here in the real world to evolve it with and I was planning to give you the Fire Stone that I found in my bag so that you can use it on Vulpix."

To be honest, Cordelia had been wondering how they would power up and evolve their Pokémon without access to the various candies. Particularly Floppy, who she felt was destined for greater things than living in her family's koi pond. Training her Pokémon against each other - or against Kat's Pokémon - had seemed like an obvious way to help them get stronger, but if Kat had something that could make her favorite Pokémon even more awesome? Cordelia wouldn't say no. Except… "I've never actually evolved a Vulpix in the game. What do they turn into?"

Tugging her phone out of her pocket, Kat poked at it for a few seconds before turning it so that Cordelia could see. "Ninetails. It's basically a kitsune from Japanese folklore. Bigger, prettier fox." Oh hey. That was pretty. Really pretty. Yeah, Cordelia definitely liked where this whole 'evolve her Vulpix' thing was going. Before she could ask another question, a faint scraping sound caught both her and Kat's attention, making them both look over at the door as Eevee returned… dragging Kat's entire bag behind it, her wallet and keys still resting atop it. Which was especially impressive considering that there were two flights of stairs between the living room and her room. "Well, that's impressive. Means I can give you the Fire Stone now, though, before I forget."

Cordelia rose to her feet, making her way back over to the bed as Kat dug through her bag, emerging with a fist-sized red stone in her hand. "Ooh, pretty. Maybe we can sell it after… how do I use it?"

"I think you just need to touch it against Vulpix? They don't really appear that often in the anime, so- hey!" Kat's explanation was cut off by her Eevee jumping up, bumping its nose against the Fire Stone and causing both the stone and the Pokémon to glow white. They merged, Eevee's luminous form almost tripling in size before fading to reveal a red Pokémon adorned with tufts of yellow fur. The newly evolved Pokémon preened for a few seconds before jumping back up onto the bed and tackling Vulpix again, having much more success this time around as the two began growling at each other and rolling around atop the mattress. "…so much for that particular attempt at romance. Asshole Pokémon."

Eh. Vulpix was cuter than Ninetails anyway. Cordelia was okay with this particular outcome.

* * *

"It has begun. My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected; I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish."

Cordelia rolled her eyes as Mayor Wilkins began to groan and squirm behind the podium, his face distorting as he transformed from a ridiculously mundane-looking human into a demonic snake. A demonic snake that quickly grew to outrageous proportions, towering over them all as he let out a loud roar of triumph. "Okay, so he's a little bigger than I thought he'd turn out to be, but I'm pretty sure we've still got this. Kat?"

Having made her way forward from where she'd been sitting with Cordelia's parents, Kat sidled up on Cordelia's right before shaking her head slowly. "I am pretty sure that we don't have this at all. Not in the least. Our Pokémon are great and all, but that's like… the equivalent of a legendary or something."

Her hand drifted down, brushing her graduation gown back so that Cordelia could pluck a Pokéball from her belt, spinning it playfully atop her finger as it enlarged itself to full size. Not long after that fateful Halloween, she'd dropped by the GameStop inside Paseo Nuevo and picked up a used copy of _Pokémon HeartGold_ to stick into Kat's 3DS. While it hadn't inspired her to pick up a copy of _Moon_ or _Sun_ when it came out a week later, it had served two very important purposes for her. Firstly, it had given her a preview of what she'd had to look forward to in _Pokémon Go_ that December with the introduction of the Johto Pokémon, including what had become her new favorite Pokémon: Marill. Adorable water-type Pikachu? Best. Pokémon. Ever. Secondly and more importantly… it had given her some insight into how the world of Pokémon worked so that she could make topical references at appropriate times. "Probably, yeah. Thing is? I don't know about you, but I've taken on legendary Pokémon with my regular ones before. And I've kicked their asses." Winding up, she hurled the Pokéball in the Mayor's direction. "Floppy, I choose you!"

"Why the hell would you-" Kat was cut off as the Pokéball popped open, releasing a luminous form far larger than anything else owned by either brunette. It stretched taller and taller, growing almost as large as the Mayor's snake form before finally resolving into a ferocious, blue-scaled serpent that let out a roar of challenge. "…holy shit."

Cordelia shot her girlfriend a smug grin before tilting her head back and staring up at her Gyrados. "I know, right? I was going to tell you that Floppy took a level in badass last week, but then I decided that it would be more fun to surprise you like this. Oh, and lucky for us? Floppy takes after his _Pokémon Go_ siblings when it comes to what he knows instead of the real game versions." As understanding dawned on Kat's face, Cordelia took a step forward and thrust a finger in the Mayor's direction. "Floppy, use Hyper Beam!"


	14. Miranda Lawson (Mass Effect)

Joe's Note: One of the lesser known perks of being a member of my is that sometimes I have too many ideas and not enough time to write them all, so I put up polls asking my patrons to decide which story I should write. I came up with eight ideas for new costumes and needed to narrow it down to three, so I put up $3+, $5+, and $10+ patron polls to get some feedback. _Pokémon Go_ was the winner of the first round, and _Mass Effect_ narrowly beat out _Dragon Age_ in the BioWare Babes category. But as much fun as Cordelia Shepard might have been… I felt like that ass was better served being stuffed into Miranda's catsuit. I feel like most anyone who ran into her on Halloween would agree with me.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

"Woo! Nailed it!"

Cordelia Chase shot her girlfriend an ugly look before collapsing the glowing blue barrier that she'd hastily raised around the Lexus GX 460 the moment that it'd begun to tip. After taking a few seconds to rest and center herself, she used her biotics to significantly reduce her mass before unbuckling her seatbelt, doing a graceful flip and drifting down to land on the roof of the car rather than dropping headfirst. "This was a terrible idea and I'm deeply ashamed of myself for agreeing to it. You couldn't drive before Halloween; why did I think that anything good might come of you inheriting your driving skills from the woman who is literally the worst driver in the galaxy?"

Rolling her eyes, Kat McKee did the exact thing that Cordelia had been actively trying to avoid, releasing her seatbelt and dropping onto her head with a grunt. Seemingly none the worse for wear - which really wasn't that surprising, given the extent of the cybernetic enhancements her girlfriend now had - she quickly righted herself and looked around the overturned SUV before shrugging. "Hey, I got you to school, didn't I?"

"You flipped my Lexus! My brand new Lexus!"

"Flipped it right into the drop-off lane to be precise. Because I'm just that awesome."

Muttering under her breath, Cordelia opened the passenger door and clambered out of the vehicle, turning back and using her biotics to pull her forgotten purse and messenger bag out of the overturned GX rather than crawl back in after them. The Cordettes were already waiting for her at their customary morning meeting spot beside the front doors, pointing her way as they whispered to each other. While her popularity had survived coming out, dating Kat, and her horribly geeky choice of Halloween costume among other questionable life decisions - and hopefully wouldn't take too big of a hit from her new Australian accent - Cordelia wasn't stupid enough to think that she was socially bulletproof. Bending at the knees, she crouched down and peered in the open door. "Well, how about you unflip it and head to work before the school calls for a tow truck?"

Her newfound confidence faltering, a wide-eyed Kat crawled across the inside of the SUV and peered up at Cordelia, brushing her newly red hair back out of her face. The gesture drew Cordelia's attention to her girlfriend's new hair and for the twentieth time since the spell had worn off, Cordelia found herself thanking every entity that was listening that she was kind of a bitch. Originally, Kat had been planning to wear a chin-length wig that was not only stop sign red but completely lacking in highlights and lowlights, leaving it flat and incredibly fake looking. After taking one look at it, Cordelia had promptly ordered a more realistic - and longer - red wig off of Etsy… and then burned Kat's offending original to ensure that there would be no debate over which wig she'd be wearing on Halloween. Now that Kat was stuck with Kaitlin Shepard's hair as her own? Cordelia was very certain that she'd made the right decision. "I thought that we weren't going to use our new abilities in public? At least in obvious ways? I could have sworn that was what we decided this morning… and by 'we decided', I obviously mean 'you declared that was what we were going to do and I nodded agreeably because I love your new accent and wanted you to keep talking'."

"Really? It was my accent that you were focused on? Because I seem to recall your eyes being fixated on a point seven inches south of anything that could reasonably be called my face."

"In my defense, genetic perfection combined with a low-cut tank top is kinda distracting."

…fair enough. Cordelia made a beckoning gesture, waiting impatiently for her girlfriend to crawl out of the rolled vehicle before helping the redhead to her feet. And Jesus, post-Lazarus Kat was a lot heavier than the original Kat had been. Like… a lot a lot. It was one thing to read about a synthetical skeletal reinforcement lattice and intramuscular microfiber weave on a Wiki article - and another to have Miranda's memories of designing and implementing it, then witnessing its effectiveness in the field - but personally experiencing it firsthand was something else entirely. "Yes, well, that was this morning. Now that I'm facing the prospect of social suicide because I'm far too in love with you to dump you despite the fact that you can't even drop me off at school without rolling my Lexus? I'm finding that I feel considerably less reticent about showing off than I did an hour ago. That, and I'm pretty sure that I destroyed any chance of us keeping this a secret when I made my SUV glow blue in front of half the student body. So, if you would be so kind…"

"Just remember, Kat, it could be worse: you talked her out of dressing up as the Hatefuck Special, so you still have your hair and flawless pale skin. Well, not your original hair. But you like red hair, so it could be worse…" Kat continued to talk to herself as she bent down, curling her fingers under the roof of the GX and making Cordelia's eyes widen. Before she could voice an objection - using biotics to lower the vehicle's mass would make the entire process safer, and considerably reduce the risk of further damage to the SUV - the redhead let out a loud grunt and heaved the two and a half ton Lexus up onto the driver's side, pausing for a few seconds before repeating the process and tipping the car back onto its wheels. "Happy now?"

Was she? Cordelia slowly circled the car, checking it for damage. Lucky for Kat, it appeared that Cordelia had raised a biotic barrier just in time; all of the windows were intact and there weren't even any new scratches in the paint. She opened the passenger door and planted a foot on the door sill, grabbing the frame and pulling herself up so that she could check the roof. Equally flawless. Good. The inside was a mess, obviously, but she could make Kat clean that up later. Dropping to the ground with a satisfied nod, she slammed the door before turning back to face Kat. "You got lucky. This time."

Before Kat could respond, a familiar and entirely unwanted voice entered the conversation. "You know, I used to blow off Xander and Willow when they insisted that you were such a terrible person that no human would want to date you long-term." Slowly approaching the pair with her perpetual redheaded shadow a step behind her, Buffy Summers eyed Kat suspiciously as her right hand disappeared into her purse. "I used to, but then I watched your girlfriend right a SUV with her bare hands. So… what are you, and do I need to slay you or are you going to leave town peacefully?"

Kat reached up to pinch the bridge of her nose, sighing loudly. While Cordelia knew relatively little about what went bump in the night, she'd shared everything she learned from her encounters with Buffy and her particular brand of weird with her girlfriend for the bru… err, redhead's own safety. One of those little tidbits of wisdom was what the Slayer was, and that she was was prone to punch first and ask questions later. That was if Buffy even bothered to ask questions. Sometimes she didn't. Like now. "…I'm going to do us both a favor and ignore that you're insulting my girlfriend. And I hate to break it to you, but I'm human. Mostly."

"Apparently not human enough." Buffy's gaze slid from Kat to the Lexus and back as she pulled a rather wicked-looking knife out of her purse and oh my God, why was the school resource officer not reacting to this shit? Crazy girl! Crazy girl with a knife! "Because I'm the Slayer, and even I can't do that."

"Kay?" Cordelia took a giant step backward as Kat shrugged, noting the very subtle shift in her girlfriend's stance as she assumed something that her Miranda memories identified as a very specific Shepard stance. Buffy took an aggressive step forward and Cordelia reacted on instinct, snaring Willow Rosenberg with a biotic pull and yanking her out from behind the Slayer. Before she'd even set the redhead down, Kat was bursting into motion, blue light erupting around her as she snapped forward in a biotic charge. Crossing the distance between them in a streak of light, Kat hit Buffy with the force of a speeding truck, sending the blonde flying backward and through one of the school's windows. After taking a moment to either admire her handiwork or perhaps stare in horror at the destruction she had wrought - her back was to Cordelia and the brunette had learned long ago that she sucked at trying to read her girlfriend's mind - Kat turned back to Cordelia and offered her a nod. "Lawson."

The corner of Cordelia's mouth quirked upward at the invitation to participate in Commander Shepard's iconic farewell. "Shepard."

Kat offered a faint smile of her own at that before inclining her head in the direction of Cordelia's GX. "I should go…"

* * *

"It has begun. My destiny. It's a little sooner than I expected; I had this whole section on civic pride. But I guess we'll just skip to the big finish."

Cordelia rolled her eyes as Mayor Wilkins began to groan and squirm behind the podium, his face distorting as he transformed from a ridiculously mundane-looking human into a demonic snake. A demonic snake that quickly grew to outrageous proportions, towering over them all as he let out a loud roar of triumph. As her classmates began to scream and stampede, losing their faith in Buffy's terrible plan now that they were confronted with the reality of what they'd be fighting, the brunette crossed her arms over her chest and stared up at what the mayor had become. "Congratulations, Wilkins, your destiny has rendered you something considerably less fearsome than the creature that krogran teenagers fight as part of a coming of age ritual. You should feel exceedingly proud of yourself. Kat?"

Rather than respond over the radio, Kat arrived at Cordelia's right in a rush of blue light, the N7 Crusader in her hands roaring as it spat out four massive slugs in rapid succession. The vicious shotgun was known for its vertical recoil and Kat exploited it expertly, stitching her shots up the Mayor's body and creating four separate bloody craters that send him reeling backward. Ejecting the spent thermal clip, Kat slotted a new one into place before looking over at Cordelia. "The Cain is ready and waiting, but I want to try something a little less destructive first. Especially considering-" Kat paused as Wilkins lunged forward again, heading not for his new opponent but for Principal Snyder, who he swallowed whole. The redhead let out a low whistle as the mayor cleared the rest of the stage for her, devouring all of the other dignitaries who had come to participate in the Class of 2013's graduation. Oh, and their valedictorian. Cordelia suddenly found herself exceedingly glad that the position was based on all four years' worth of grades; she'd actually had better grades than both their valedictorian and salutatorian since Halloween of the previous year, but her first two years had ruined her hopes of earning either title. "Okay, that's one less obstacle to the Cain plan. I still have to worry about nuking your entire graduating class. And you, obviously."

Snorting, Cordelia reached out and plucked a white and yellow heavy pistol from where it hung on Kat's left hip, her extensively customized M-358 Talon whirring softly as it cycled the first ammunition block into the ready position. "We may be one krogan short of a krantt, but this is no thresher maw. From how Giles and Summers were talking, I was expecting - and planning for - something much larger and far more dangerous. If we can't take this thing out without resorting to the Cain, we deserve to be eaten."

Kat opened her mouth to argue that, only to be brought up short as Cordelia arched an eyebrow and thrust her pistol in the Mayor's direction. Her blindfired shot slammed into his eye, the heavy-gauge shotgun pellet causing it to explode in a shower of gore and eliciting an inhuman howl of pain. "…have I ever told you how weirdly hot your arrogance can be?"

"Yes, but given that I never get tired of hearing it? Please, do go on."


	15. Pharah (Overwatch)

Joe's Note: This was actually one of the more difficult ones for me to get started on but once I did, the entire story came falling out of me. I wanted to go with someone interesting for Cordelia, but also something that would reflect a 'I'm doing this to placate my girlfriend but I'm gonna do it right and look like a badass bitch' dynamic. Which meant no , no Tracer, and with Kat a definite for Mercy? Obviously no Mercy. I can't see Cordelia being Zarya given that she's hardly the brawny sort, nor could I picture her as Mei. Given that she's on the tanned side due to her parentage, I could easily see her making a passable Pharah… and she definitely has the finances to commission the armor. Took me a bit longer to settle on a skin - I mistakenly thought she had Native heritage and was eyeing those two skins - but once I had all the details settled? I banged the entire thing out in about an hour, twenty minutes of which involved flitting back and forth through 'Chosen' to get the dialogue right.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Sarsif, Fablesrogue, Morgan, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, Jason, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

"So where do the rockets come from?"

"…the rocket launcher?" Raising her arm, Cordelia Chase pointed it off toward the ocean before firing off a rocket to demonstrate, sending it whistling out over the ocean until it struck the surface of the water and detonated. She did her best to avoid reacting to the sight of bloody chunks of something flying up out of the water; with her luck as of late, she'd probably hit an endangered shark or something. Pasting a smile on her face, she turned to her visibly skeptical girlfriend. "See? Point, shoot, boom."

Kat McKee rolled her eyes before gesturing out at the ocean. Cordelia glanced in the direction that the brunette was indicating before looking back at Kat curiously, making her girlfriend sigh. "Count the gross bloody water spots. There's seven of them already. Seven rockets. Pharah's got a magazine of six. So… where are the rockets coming from?"

Furrowing her brow in thought, Cordelia stared down at her right arm as she pondered the problem. Almost absently, she found herself pulling a new pod of rockets out of… somewhere… and slapping it into place on her right arm. She raised her arm, fired another rocket off into the nearby ocean, and then repeated the process. This time, she made a point of following her left hand with her eyes, only to find them sliding off to the side when she tried to see where the fresh ammunition was coming from. "I… don't… know. The same place as in the game, I guess. Also known as thin air."

"You know, I should probably be weirded out by that but considering that our costumes got brought to life by some sort of magic spell? It's not, you know, that weird." Kat paused to think about her statement for a moment, raising a finger to forestall the comment that was already forming on Cordelia's lips. "Relatively speaking, I mean."

Cordelia grinned as she reached out with her left hand, poking Kat's nose. Given that it made her girlfriend scrunch up her nose cutely rather than start cursing that it was broken or something, the brunette was fairly certain that she was starting to get the hang of the enhanced strength that came with the Raptora Mark IV combat suit. "Yeah. I feel like you going all Swiss Miss is weirder, but that's just me."

Snorting softly, Kat retaliated by leaning forward and poking Cordelia's nose in return. "Says the girl who not only has an accent but can actually speak Egyptian Arabic now."

"Says the girl who not only has an accent but can actually speak German, French, and Italian now." Cordelia thought about that before frowning as she realized something. "Which is weird, because Mercy is Swiss. Why don't you speak Swiss?"

That earned Cordelia a look that was almost alien on Kat's face but she was used to seeing in the mirror; it was the same look Harmony received from her when the blonde said something spectacularly stupid. Cordelia's own 'how have you not drowned on your own saliva yet?' expression. Which she really should trademark one of these days so that she could collect royalties from others. Not Kat, though. That would land her on her own couch. "Because there's no such thing as Swiss?" Sure there was. It was- "I mean, there's no such thing as a Swiss language. The country is split into three major areas: one that speaks French, one that speaks German, and one that speaks Italian."

Oh. Well that explained that, then. Not for the first time, Cordelia found herself wishing that she'd gone as Mercy for Halloween and Kat had been… anyone else. She'd always been uncomfortably aware of the fact that her girlfriend was significantly smarter than her, and not just by dint of the decade age gap. Kat was just plain smarter than her. Halloween had only widened that gulf, and Cordelia could only think that if she'd been the one to merge with Angela Ziegler for a night? Maybe she wouldn't be standing here pestering Kat about her fluency in a non-existent language.

Hell, dressing as Mercy hadn't even been Kat's idea. They'd only ended up doing Pharah and Mercy for Halloween because neither of them had been able to think of what to dress as for the parties that Cordelia would inevitably be forced to attend for the sake of her social status, and Kat had been stupid enough to mention her plight to that weird guy Joe who did most of her cosplay photos. Cordelia had been noncommittal at first and even more so after seeing what Pharah looked like, but as the days ticked away and Halloween inexorably drew closer, she finally caved.

Why couldn't Mercy and Widowmaker be a more popular 'ship? She wouldn't have minded the unfair advantage in French class, and inheriting the assassin's remarkable athleticism and flexibility would have been hella useful for cheerleading.

Sighing, Cordelia forced her melancholy thoughts down as she looked back out over the ocean. She was alive. She had an amazing girlfriend. She was Iron Man's sister from an Egyptian mother. Given that the former was more than some of the kids she'd grown up with could say these days… her present situation really wasn't that bad. Hell, having any sort of girlfriend - much less an amazing one - wasn't something that even half the people she knew could claim. So even if she felt dumb around Kat more often than she had in the past, things could have been a lot worse. And hey, her girlfriend might have gotten smarter thanks to Halloween… but Kat still couldn't drive for shit.

Kat could fly, though. And so could Cordelia. That was not only awesome as hell, but opened up all sorts of unique romantic moment potential for the two of them. "I found this little island off of Coal Oil Point that I'm pretty sure nobody else can reach. Well, calling it an island is generous. It's a big rock with two trees on it. Wanna fly over with me and watch the sunset? Although before you answer me, you should probably be aware that I flew over to drop off a blanket and a picnic basket earlier. And the basket has a really big red velvet cupcake in it that literally has your name on it. Seriously. I paid them to write 'Kat' in frosting on the top for me."

"Du bist lächerlich, aber Ich liebe dich."

"…that sounded angry. Although to be fair, all German sounds angry to me."

"I said that you're ridiculous, but I love you." There was a faint whine of servos as the wings on Kat's Valkyrie swift-response suit spread themselves into their flight configuration, and then the brunette floated out over the edge of the cliff to hover over the rolling ocean waves. Twirling gracefully in midair, she stretched her hand out in Cordelia's direction. "That said, you know me: I'd never say no to cupcakes. Especially red velvet ones. And this one evidently literally has my name on it. So… shall we?"

It took a bit more effort to kick in her own jump jets without rocketing past - or potentially colliding with - Kat but Cordelia somehow managed it, floating up to take her girlfriend by the hand. "We shall. And maybe on the way, you can explain to me your wings only glow some of the time. Because if Fareeha knew, she's not telling and it's starting to bug me."

Kat chuckled softly as she took Cordelia's hand, turning to fly alongside her girlfriend as Cordelia guided her toward their destination. "Obviously I don't know every little thing that Angela did, but I don't think Fareeha ever bothered to ask how the Valkyrie worked. In essence, the luminescent parts of my wings are when you see me overclocking the suit to provide more support than the Caduceus Staff's healing stream can provide. In other words, when she raises the dead. I've actually found a bit of programming that she never elevated past beta status that would conceivably let me heal people en masse before they died, but I'm not sure how I could safely test something like that to work out any remaining kinks…"

"Speaking of kinks, is it true that Mercy's staff has a setting that creates biotic chains?"

"What? No! Why would you even think that?"

"Saw it in a bunch of different places on Tumblr. Do you think there's enough Angela left in you to reprogram it to do that? You know, because… reasons?"

"…maybe."

* * *

"Keep the line together! Drive them to the edge! We can't let them-"

Buffy Summers was caught completely off-guard by the sharp spike of pain in her gut, her attempt at a motivational speech coming to an abrupt end as she stared down at the sword protruding from her stomach in disbelief. She had the Scythe. Willow had activated all the Potentials. Everything was going according to plan. Except… this wasn't the plan. Taking a halting step forward, she dropped to her knees before collapsing onto her stomach, the Scythe slipping from her slack fingers as her face hit the dirty ground.

"Buffy!"

Lifting her head, Buffy watched as Faith Lehane raced over to her, the brunette dropping to her knees as she stared down at her sister Slayer in disbelief. Grimacing, Buffy groped around blindly until her fingers curled around the Scythe once more, slowly pulling it around in front of her before pushing it toward Faith. "Hold the line."

Faith nodded before climbing to her feet, her eyes hardening as she whirled around and decapitated an approaching Turok-Han. After cutting down several more of the übervamps, Faith called out to one of the other Slayers before hurling the Scythe in her direction, only to find herself swarmed by Turok-Han and tackled to the ground. Around Buffy, the battle raged, her sisters-in-arms racking up kill after kill but slowly losing the fight due to attrition. Amanda, victim of a snapped neck. Another went down with a Turok-Han's teeth buried in her throat; Buffy was ashamed to admit that she couldn't even remember the girl's name.

It should have worked. She was sure that it would work. How could it have gone wrong?

"Oh no. Ow." Craning her neck, Buffy bit back a groan at the sight of 'herself' standing there, the First doing its best to affect a concerned expression as it stared down at her. "Mommy, this mortal wound is all… itchy." Making its way over, the First dropped into a crouch and patted her on the head condescendingly. "You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down. But it wasn't enough. Your Slayers are dying. Your friends are dying. You… are dying. But since I know how much you love your witty comebacks… any last words?"

Opening her mouth to respond, Buffy was brought up short as she spotted something incredibly strange over her doppelgänger's shoulder: either the blood loss was really getting to her, or there was a woman with golden wings walking through the cavern toward her, creating trails of glowing yellow light as she spun a staff around her body. "What… the hell..?"

"What?"

"Heroes never die!" Slamming the end of her staff down against the ground, the woman emitted a bright pulse of yellow light that radiated through the cave. The battle came to a screeching halt as one by one, the fallen Slayers' bodies began to glow and rise into the air, rotating so they were standing upright as tendrils of yellow energy danced around their forms. One by one, the glow around each Slayer dissipated to reveal a girl who was whole, hale, and most importantly… alive. The woman ducked her head for a moment as the light around her faded, taking a deep breath before whipping her staff around her body in a tight arc, unleashing a wave of purple light that cut through a half-dozen Turok-Han. "Sorry I'm late. Your friends evidently share your fondness for running into pointy objects; I had to keep two of them from bleeding to death."

The First shot a look of pure loathing back over her shoulder at the newcomer before fading from sight, leaving Buffy with one less problem but still plenty of questions. "What… the hell..? Are you an angel? Did Heaven get bought out by a tech startup after I left?"

Snorting, the woman tore through several more übervamps as she made her way over to Buffy, giving her staff one last spin before pointing the head down at the Slayer. "I'm going to chalk that question up to the blood loss." Tendrils of yellow energy poured from the end, burrowing deep into Buffy's body and taking away the pain. Taking away the stab wound, too, she discovered as she slid a hand under herself and poked at her stomach curiously. "And if my biotics didn't manage to fix whatever's wrong with your memory, maybe this will jar something loose. Now, Cordelia!"

While Buffy still didn't recognize her savior, that was a name that she was all too familiar with… but when Cordelia had turned into Iron Woman, the blonde had no idea. Bounding through the fight in a sleek suit of black and gold armor, the former cheerleader leapt over the edge with a war cry before floating back up into sight with a pair of blue jets burning brightly on her back. "Justice rains from above!"

'Justice' was evidently a synonym for 'a lot of rockets' in Cordelia's book these days, because that's what went raining down on the assembled mass of übervamps below them. Dozens of them, probably over a hundred, howling through the air in twisting patterns until they reached their targets and detonated violently. Buffy couldn't see the results but between the cacophony of exploding rockets and the howls of the damned, she could imagine them: Turok-Han dying by the score as a tidal wave of fire washed over them. When her ammo was finally expended, Cordelia jetted backward and came in for a landing on the edge of the cliff, shooting a smirk back over her shoulder at Buffy. "So. Summers. You've looked better. Seriously, who let you out of the house wearing that top?"

Buffy found herself laughing despite herself as she slowly rose to her feet, one hand resting on her stomach as she poked and prodded at her suddenly unmarked stomach in bewilderment. Raising the dead, she could easily explain away because she was living - or maybe undead? - proof that Willow could do it. But for all the spells Willow knew, healing someone so quickly and cleanly was outside the scope of her abilities. But there would be time for questions later. For now? The requisite witty banter followed by saving the world once again. "Well, I would have gone with my shiny, rocket-filled suit of armor but you of all people should know that showing up for a party in the same outfit as someone else is a huge faux pas."

"I wouldn't have minded, since we both know that I wear anything better than you." Turning to face Buffy, Cordelia nodded in the mystery brunette's direction. "Oh, and seriously? How do you forget the girl who kicked you in the face for letting me get kidnapped by Absalom at the start of junior year?"

Well, considering that taking a high-heeled boot to the face had knocked her out cold? It had been an understandably forgettable experience for Buffy. And to be fair, the woman had changed quite a bit since their last encounter. Halo, glowing wings, the ability to heal people and raise the dead…


	16. Jean Grey II (Marvel Comics)

Joe's Note: Originally, I was tempted to rewrite Chapter 3 to incorporate Kat because among her many cosplays are two different versions of Emma Frost, which would have allowed her to neatly replace Willow. But then I realized… it would require me to pretty much destroy the chapter as it stood and rewrite it from the ground up, and it's a chapter that I actually really like. So instead, I'm going to double dip on the idea: a second chapter of Cordelia as Jean Grey, this time paired with Kat's Emma Frost for a couple costume. Oh, and Willow is still involved because she dressed as… well, that would be telling, wouldn't it?  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

Staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom in disbelief, Cordelia Chase tried to figure out exactly when her life had fallen off the tracks and crashed into the world of the weird. Granted she knew the whole series of events that had brought her to this point, but what had been the actual, singular point of no return?

Had it been when she'd been stupid enough to agree to her girlfriend's demand that she abandon her existing Halloween costume plans so that they could do a couple's costume together? Or when she'd checked out mentally during her girlfriend's rambling musings about what they should go as, nodding and smiling at the wrong time and implying support for a costume she had absolutely no interest in? When she'd failed to stand up to her girlfriend's insistence that since Willow Rosenberg had coincidentally chosen a costumed that coordinated with theirs, she should be allowed to come with them for the night? Or perhaps the most obvious point was at fault: when some kind of magic spell turned her into the fictional character that she was dressed as, transforming her into a costumed hero who turned out to have - in addition to the relationship that had caused Kat to pick the costume - an unexpectedly close connection to another of the spell's victims?

"What does it mean? Populus mavult videaris hoc modo. I don't… ugh, I knew I should have pushed Giles harder about those Latin lessons he keeps promising me. It's Latin, right? I feel like it's Latin. Do either of you know what it means?"

Pushing herself up onto her elbows, Cordelia watched as a purple-haired ball of anxiety paced back and forth at the foot of her bed, inwardly marveling at how the girl was simultaneously both very familiar and very foreign to her. While her hair was the same color as the wig that Willow had worn the previous night, it was distinctly Willow's real hair - high hairline, Eddie Munster-esque widow's peak, and all - in a new color rather than the wig being made real. Similarly, despite her new skin tone, eye color, and eye shape, her facial features were still mostly and distinctively Willow's… not that Cordelia spent much time staring at the girl. Although she had looked at Willow enough in the past to wonder where the purple-haired girl's curves had come from: she definitely hadn't possessed them before Halloween and at the risk of sounding racist, being voluptuous wasn't exactly a trait that Japanese girls were known for.

Well, except for Hitomi Tanaka, but she was also probably half again Willow's weight. Not, like, a twig with tits and ass glued to it. Willow looked like… a comic book character.

A comic book character.

Which was what Cordelia herself had dressed as for Halloween.

Oh God, what did she look like now?

"Why the hell is someone randomly shouting things in Latin at… eww, eight in the morning? God. I don't think I've been awake this early since back when I was your age, Cordy." Sitting up in bed, Kat McKee yawned and stretched languidly before pausing and reaching up to cup her throat. "Pahk the cah in Hahvahd Yahd, cuz that's a good ideer. Hahvahd. Making you smahtah. Heh. Well, as far as changes go, a Boston accent isn't terrible."

Immensely grateful to have something other than her own situation - or a girl she really didn't give a shit about - to focus on, Cordelia smirked as she reached up, gently poking one of Kat's unnaturally perky breasts. "The accent is adorable and I'm loving you as a blonde, but I'm not sure how I feel about these."

Kat's hands rose to cup her breasts, the blonde staring down at them with wide eyes as she squeezed them experimentally. "I have implants. And I think I may be a little bit bigger now, but I'm more focused on… why do I have breast implants?"

"I woke up Japanese! I think we have bigger problems here than your implants!"

"Not from where I'm sitting!" Kat's head shot up as she scowled at Willow, flipping the girl off before returning to her self-inspection. "I mean, I know that Emma has 'the best body money can buy' in the comics but… we're pretty much the same size. What's the point of giving me implants?"

Forcing herself fully upright, Cordelia shrugged before nodding in Willow's direction. "What was the point of turning the Softer Side of Sears over there into Japanese fap fodder?"

Kat appeared to consider that as she followed Cordelia's gaze to where Willow had resumed her rapid pacing, muttering under her breath as she stared at the piece of paper clenched tightly in her hands. "Just out of curiosity, has she realized that she has a British accent yet or is she too busy freaking out over the changes to her body?" After a moment's thought, Cordelia shook her head; Willow had rambled for a bit before reaching the weird Latin phase of things but hadn't mentioned her new accent as best the cheerleader recalled. "Somehow, I'm not surprised. As for the point… I'm assuming the Latin came off that paper of hers? It means 'the people prefer that you appear in this way', give or take. I think Janus decided to use her to throw shade at Marvel editorial. Or maybe an entire lamp?" At Cordelia's blank stare, Kat sighed and gestured to the blue leotard thrown over the end of the bed. "Long story short: Psylocke used to be a white character and then got turned into a Japanese character because… I don't know, someone wanted fetish fuel? A few writers have tried to undo it over the years but Marvel's editor-in-chief keeps shooting them down."

"So basically Janus is trolling her. 'You like dressing as a white girl who got turned into an Asian girl so I'm gonna do it to you to see how cool you really think it is'. That's… pretty much exactly what I would do if I had godly powers. Hmm. Do normal people still worship Janus? If so, do they need priestesses? Because he's evidently the God of Cordelias, so I'd be perfect for that job." Cordelia chuckled as Kat buried her face in her hands, sliding out of bed and brushing her way past the still pacing Willow on her way to the ensuite. Flicking on the lights, she eyed her reflection in the mirror speculatively, turning her head to the side a little as she called out to her girlfriend. "Wait a second. Where did Janus come from?"

_'I assume you mean 'why am I talking about Janus?' rather than something a bit more existential?'_ Kat's voice was soft, almost as if she was whispering into Cordelia's ear… except the redhead could plainly see via the mirror that Kat was most certainly not standing behind her. _'You do remember what Emma and Jean's primary power is, right?'_ Well yeah, but- _'It turns out that our changes are more than skin deep… and I swear that if you so much as think an implant joke, you will live to regret it.'_

_'WOW! LOOKS LIKE EMMA-'_

_'You don't need to shout, darling, I'm right here.'_

_'I'm not going to even bother finishing that, because getting yelled at for shouting ruins pretty much any witty comeback.'_

_'As someone who's in your head, darling? It wasn't that witty.'_ Ouch. Damn. Was this what it felt like to be Harmony? _'No. Unlike Harmony, you're actually capable of thinking. In this case, you were just a little too proud of what you'd thought up. Anyway… one of the first things Emma did last night was systematically sweep the town to see if anyone knew what was going on. It turns out that the guy we bought our wigs from was a wizard who worshipped Janus, and he used all the products he sold from his shop as the foci for a spell last night. Since she knew from reading his mind that the spell would wear off at sunrise, Emma decided that there was no point in going after him and so she… distracted… the others to buy the time that she needed to enact her plans.'_

_'Given that a bunch of Emma seems to have gotten left behind in you… I vote that you're now officially in charge of coming up with distractions when we need them.'_

_'Cute. But no, as soon as Emma figured out what was going on last night, she began making contingency plans in case this exact situation came to pass. She didn't want us to go through what she did as a teenager, so she left… are you old enough to remember self-extracting ZIP files?'_ Whats? A soft sigh filled her head, and Cordelia could picture Kat shaking her head despondently. _'Never mind. Basically, as soon as I woke up, a whole bunch of her knowledge unpacked itself into my brain including how to use my powers properly. And the knowledge to back a handful of college degrees that I… don't actually have, which means I won't be leaving my job at Shop Rite any time soon. Damn. Seriously, though, even I didn't know she was this smart. She had a BBA, a MBA with a specialization in international business, a BA in Psychology followed by a MA, and then all the specialized training that came after that to become a sex therapist. Wow.'_

Cordelia found herself smirking as she leaned in, inspecting her reflection more closely than she had before. _'Damn. Not bad for someone who thinks that hot pants are a wardrobe staple.'_ Hmm. Apart from her newly green eyes and very natural-looking red hair… she'd come through Halloween relatively unscathed. She'd probably cut back on the sun worshipping a bit, let her skin lighten a shade or two so it worked better with her new coloration, but she was still fundamentally herself unlike Willow and even Kat to an extent. Straightening up, she racked her brain for… something. Anything out of place. But as best she could tell, there was nothing. She had memories of what Jean had done in her body the previous evening, but other than that? Nada. _'Looks like Jean wasn't anywhere near as proactive. As in, she didn't leave behind anything at all. Which is fine, I guess; I'm perfectly happy still being one hundred percent Cordelia. Although if I remember_ The Last Stand _right… shouldn't I be having the same problems that Emma was worried you'd have? If not worse, because Jean was a bigger telepathic badass?'_

A faint chuckle rolled through the redhead's mind, accompanied by the sensation of invisible fingers brushing over her bare shoulder. _'Just because you can lift the biggest sword doesn't mean that you're any good at wielding it, darling. Jean had greater telepathic potential than Emma, yes, but Emma had far greater control. And you'd be experiencing what it's like to have great power and no clue how to control it… if I hadn't followed Emma's directions and installed psychic blocks in your mind. You're welcome. Once Willow finally calms down, and we're all showered and fed? Emma actually had the foresight to extract memories of training from Jean and Betsy; they're waiting here in the back of my head, ready for me to transfer over. An hour with each of you, and you'll be… not X-Men, but at least worthy of being members of Emma's Hellions.'_

And as soon as she had the basics stuffed into her head, Cordelia was going to start practicing her ass off because who wanted to be a Hellion when they could be an X-Man? What the fuck was a Hellion, even? If she was going to be stuck as a freak of nature, then Cordelia was going to be the best damn freak she could possibly be! Giving herself one last look in the mirror, Cordelia blew herself a kiss before making her way back out of the bathroom, neatly sidestepping Willow yet again as she returned to sit on the end of her bed. Meeting Kat's eyes, she nodded in the purple-haired girl's direction. _'So, we obviously need to keep Neurotic McFapbait around in the short-term so you can cram stuff into her mind, but do our medium and long-term plans involve her at all? Because a really big part of me thinks it'd be hilarious to make her do a Walk of Shame all the way across town… while a much smaller part is kinda curious to see if she'd be into doing to me what Betsy did to Jean last night.'_

Crawling across the bed, Kat pressed herself up against Cordelia from behind and rested her chin on the shorter girl's shoulder, rubbing gently against Cordelia's skin as she turned her head back and forth to follow Willow's movements. _'I assume you're talking about the telekinetic spanking and choking portion of last night's entertainment?'_ Well, either that or having Willow eat her ass; Kat had made it very clear that any form of butt stuff was on her Oh Hell No list. _'I feel like it would be a good idea to wait until I've transferred those memories and she's had some practice with her powers? Because seriously, what part of 'untrained telekine squeezing your throat' sounds like a good idea to you? Do you want a crushed trachea? Because that's how you get a crushed trachea.'_

_'…huh. And here I was expecting your main objection to be that it's cheating. Unless you took it as me suggesting a threesome, which should be a completely different lecture.'_

Kat snorted faintly before turning her head to the side and nipping Cordelia's jaw gently. _'Darling, I've never been anything but completely honest with you about the fact that the D/s thing is a hundred and ten percent me fulfilling your fetish, not a shared interest. So while normally I'd be a big 'hell no' about threesomes and cheating will always be grounds for immediate dumping, no questions asked?'_ Returning her chin to where it'd been resting on Cordelia's shoulder, Kat wrapped her arms around the redhead from behind. _'I might… possibly… maybe be willing to consider an exception under incredibly specific circumstances.'_

_'The fact that she actually has an amazing rack now doesn't hurt, huh?'_

_'…that's one factor that I'm taking into consideration, yes.'_

Cordelia tilted her head to the side, resting her cheek against Kat's as they continued to watch Willow pace. Idly, Cordelia wondered if this was the view that Kat had from the bed whenever Cordelia got up first. Actually, Willow might actually outclass both of them in terms of how much jiggle she was now packing up top… not that Cordelia minded. Finding sexy bras in her current size was hard enough; she had absolutely no desire to be any bigger than she already was. Finally, the appeal of ogling Willow's new form wore off and she let out a sharp whistle. "Hey! Rosenberg! It means 'the people prefer that you appear in this way'." Skidding to a stop, Willow shot Cordelia confused look and the redhead jerked a thumb back over her shoulder. "Turns out the bae speaks Latin now. Basically, we think that Janus decided to treat you like the comic Betsy and turn you from a white girl into an Asian girl for the lulz. The note is evidently a reference to some really gross shit that goes on at Marvel headquarters. Mystery solved. You're welcome."

Mouth working soundlessly, Willow's incredulous gaze bounced back and forth across the room rapidly: starting on Cordelia before dropping down to stare at her transformed body in disbelief, shooting over to Kat for a few seconds before returning to her own body, and then finally returning to Cordelia. When she spoke, it… wasn't quite the last thing Cordelia expected to hear but it was pretty far down on the list. "Psylocke used to be white?"

"…wait, seriously? Rosenberg, even I googled Jean before-"

"Oh my fucking God, am I the only person who does her homework before cosplaying a character anymore?"


	17. Harley Quinn (DC Comics)

Joe's Note: For this chapter, I decided to break with the pattern that I've used for the last nine straight chapters… and actually step outside the greater overarching style that I've used for all seventeen chapters that precede this one. Mostly because the nature of the very specific costume variations that I'm choosing for this particular chapter require a bit of setup so that the post-Halloween payoff works properly. That, and there's really nothing in terms of Buffy canon events that I can then use to show off the exact nature of the change. Meaning that while I can think of ways that Harley and Ivy could easily be used to reimagine canon events, none of those ways would actually show off what makes my particular versions unique. And… well hell. Just read it and try to enjoy it.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

"Just out of curiosity, do you remember when you told me that _Suicide Squad_ Harley was an abomination because if she was going to be labeled as anyone's property, she should be Ivy's property because at least then DC could pass it off as a D/s relationship instead of it just being gross and abusive the way it is when Harley is with Joker?"

Looking up from the streaks of green paint on her forearm, Kat McKee blew gently on them as she stared up at her girlfriend warily from her spot on the floor of Cordelia's bedroom. "…that's a really long and oddly specific question, and the fact that you're asking me that has honestly got me a little scared. Where are you going with this, Cordelia?"

Cordelia Chase did her best to look nonchalant as she rocked back and forth on her toes, pressing a newly-arrived package against the small of her back. "So, um, I know you're working on a new Poison Ivy cosplay… hence the green and all. And that I was supposed to be Catwoman for Halloween so that you could wear it and we'd at least be coordinated even if we weren't doing a couples costume. But then I asked myself, why can't we do a couples costume?"

A loud groan escaped Kat as she tipped her head back, mouthing something silently as she stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds before meeting Cordelia's gaze once again. "You're hiding something and it's too small to be… well, any of Harley's costumes. What did you do, Cordelia?"

"I may or may not have downloaded some fonts, messed around a bit, and then uploaded the results to TeePublic." Cordelia waited a beat before pulling the white poly mailer out from behind her back and waving it. "Okay, I definitely did. And the shirts I bought are here." As Kat continued to stare up at her uneasily, Cordelia tore open the bag and pulled out the white t-shirt inside, letting the mailer and the shirt that remained inside drop to the carpet. Unfolding it, she spared a moment to make sure it was in fact her shirt before turning it to face Kat and holding it up proudly. "Tada! 'Mommy's Lil' Monster'! And the rest of the costume is on the way: shorts, 'Property of Ivy' jacket, a choker that says 'RED' in gold letters, hair ties with red and blue roses attached, that ugly chunky belt, a baseball bat with all the crap on it, the works. I'm going to be a queer as hell _Suicide Squad_ Harley Quinn for Halloween!"

Dumbfounded, Kat's eyes bounced from the t-shirt in Cordelia's hands to the package on the floor and back several times, and then her eyes narrowed as she stared at the white polyethylene bag like it was a poisonous snake. "Why do I get the sinking suspicion that there's some sort of motherhood-themed shirt in that bag for me?"

Tossing her shirt over her shoulder, Cordelia dropped to her knees on the carpet and picked up the mailer, shaking out the other shirt that she'd designed. "I dunno, maybe you're really a late-blooming mutant and your power is to see the future?" Kat made an exasperated noise at that, following it up with a groan as Cordelia held the shirt up for her inspection. "What? I thought 'Mommy Nature' was witty. It's taking something that's already a thing and twisting it a tiny bit for the sake of our costumes."

Kat sighed as she took the shirt from Cordelia, eyeing it critically for a few seconds before looking back up at the cheerleader. "It's not bad. It's not great, but being 'Mommy Nature' for a night isn't terrible. I guess. It's kinda bland, though. You couldn't have added some vines and flowers to it, made the whole thing a bit more Ivy-esque? Especially considering that it's white text on a black shirt?"

"It took a little over a week from when I uploaded the image to when it arrived in my mailbox. I can totally make those changes and print a second version of it if you want." Kat shrugged noncommittally as her eyes returned to the shirt in question, and Cordelia scooted a bit closer. "So… do we have a plan? I mean, you were already planning to be Ivy anyway and I'm pretty sure a casual-ish Mommy Nature Ivy will be a lot more comfortable to wear to a party."

That earned her a strange look from her girlfriend followed by a slow shake of Kat's head. "You may be dating a cosplayer, sweetie, but I'm not Yaya Han or one of her friends. When it's done, my real Poison Ivy cosplay will be just as comfortable as whatever casual Ivy outfit you're cooking up for me to wear on Halloween." Oh. Well shit. And here she'd actually been proud of herself for coming up with a way to get what she wanted while simultaneously making her girlfriend's life better. "Well, almost as comfortable. I mean, the leotard rides up a bit in the back. My butt will probably be warmer as casual Ivy. And I'll be a little bit less self-conscious about wearing it…" Kat trailed off as she mulled that over, her brow furrowing in consternation as she thought, and then she finally let out an exasperated sigh before conceding defeat. "Okay, fine, your idea will probably be better for parties and hanging out than my convention Poison Ivy would be. Happy now?"

Cordelia offered a faint shrug before leaning over to her left, resting one hand on the floor for balance as she snagged a recycled Hot Topic bag from where it sat next to her dresser. While personally she still thought the place was an eyesore with very few redeeming qualities outside of their Pop! wall and the occasional cute new _Steven Universe_ merchandise, their opaque black plastic bags certainly came in handy. "Considering I already bought the rest of your outfit for you? Ecstatic."

"I swear, I think I have more clothes here at your house than I do at mine… and I haven't brought any of mine over here yet." Taking the bag from Cordelia, Kat unceremoniously dumped the contents onto the floor between them so that she could sift through her new belongings. "Tights are a solid maybe. I mean, I'll totally wear them at some point but I was thinking of using Halloween to test drive the whole green skin thing. Nude tights would just look weird. Thanks, though." Fair enough. And Cordelia totally hadn't forgotten that Kat was planning to be a green Ivy. Honest. "Ooh, cute skirt. I feel like that's going to be a gift that keeps on giving after Halloween. And… suspenders in the same shade of green? Impressed that they match, but-"

"They're gonna make your breasts look awesome." Cordelia giggled at the exasperated look on Kat's face, eliciting a squeak from the brunette as she reached forward to cup Kat's breasts and push them inward a bit. "Like so. And I mean, you drool over my suspendery outfits all the time. Sometimes literally drool a little. I love admiring my own breasts as much as the next girl with a magnificent rack, but why can't I have some eye candy that's not attached to me?"

"I'd argue that the corsets and some of the dresses that you've bought me over the past few months count as a whole lot of eye candy that's not attached to you, but the outfit is cute enough that I really don't want to argue against it. So you'll get your 'suspendery' eye candy for Halloween." Kat offered a faint smile as Cordelia pumped a fist in the air and let out an exultant cheer, picking up the t-shirt for her costume again and eyeing it suspiciously. "Just out of curiosity, on a scale of one to ten, how much does our new couples costume have to do with you trying to warm me up to that Mommy Dom/little girl thing that you keep sending me links to Tumblr posts about?"

Cordelia didn't even need to think about the answer to that question. "Eleven."

Leaning back, Kat shook her head in resigned amusement. "You know, I try to be as supportive as I can when it comes to your kinks. Bought you the ball gag and cuffs you wanted, watched those videos on proper spanking technique, taught myself to stop apologizing whenever you cry out… but the whole MD/lg thing? That's just weird even by your standards. Also, as much as I hate to think about our age gap, can you even be into that sort of thing when you're not even technically an adult yet?"

"Evidently so because hey, here we are."

"Fair enough. Still weird."

* * *

"Hey Red?"

"Yes, Cordy? And I've gotta say, I still feel weird having a nickname based on a hair color that isn't really mine."

"Oh trust me, you're a natural redhead these days. I've checked." Cordelia offered her girlfriend a lascivious wink, bursting into peals of laughter as Kat gave a put upon sigh at her joke before returning her attention to what she was working on. Closing the distance between them, Cordelia snuggled up against the redhead's back and peeked over her shoulder. Yet another of the wooden 'benches' that she'd bought for Kat were being filled with seedlings that she couldn't identify. Same as an hour ago, and the hour before that, and the hour before that. While part of her could understand her girlfriend's need to make her new 'room' her own… "All work and no play makes Red a dull girl."

Kat turned her head to the right, giving Cordelia a quick peck on the lips before returning to what she was working on. "And play in the greenhouse results in dirt in places that Cordy would rather not have it." The blonde scrunched up her nose in disgust at the reminder of a mistake she'd made three times to date so far; her girlfriend had a very, very good point. "In all seriousness, what's up? You used your 'I need something but don't want to admit it' voice when you poked your head in here."

Really? She'd thought it had been more of a 'genuinely needy' voice. Cordelia shrugged before giving a faint tug on Kat's hair, waiting for the redhead to peer back at her again before nodding in the direction of the doorway that connected the newly built greenhouse to the rest of Cordelia's house. Technically her parents' house, but… semantics. They'd been nice enough to let Kat move in after Halloween's sudden onset of greenness made it difficult for the redhead to keep renting from her old landlord - or otherwise interacting with the general public - and were hardly ever there anymore. It was totally her house. Or maybe her and Kat's house? Their house. That had a nice ring to it. "It's dinner time. And since the hired help quit to a man after I caught two of them making fun of you for being green and broke out my mallet…"

One of Kat's slim red eyebrows rose incredulously at that. "You're expecting me to cook dinner for you even though I don't eat anymore?"

"Says the woman who ate literally all the grilled chicken off of my salad at lunch. And then sat there judging me for eating the salady parts of it."

"I've heard the screams of the vegetables."

"Yes, well, unlike you? I can't photosynthesize and so I actually need to eat well-rounded meals to make sure my body gets everything it needs to stay healthy." Giving another playful tug on Kat's hair, Cordelia took a step back, bouncing on her toes as her girlfriend sighed and gave up on getting anything more work done, turning to face her. "And if you cook me dinner, you can make an extra helping of meat for yourself so that you don't have to steal mine." Pausing, Cordelia snickered softly as something occurred to her. "Bet you're the only lesbian who actually wants extra helpings of meat."

Kat let out a long-suffering sigh and buried her face in her hands at that. "First of all? We've been over this a dozen times before, Cordy: I'm not a lesbian, I'm pansexual. Second of all? Eww." Lifting her head to reveal a face now smudged with dirt, she sighed again before gesturing toward the doorway. "Fine. Let's go get you some dinner."

Pumping her fist in the air triumphantly, Cordelia let out a cheer. "Yay, nummies!" Caught in the middle of taking her first step forward, Kat stumbled a bit and then pulled up short, staring at the blonde incredulously. Cordelia crossed her arms over her chest defensively as she pouted at the taller girl. "What? I'm not allowed to be excited about food when I'm hungry?"

"I was more boggling at the 'nummies' part. I may have Pamela's memories of Harleen saying it, but this is the first time that I've heard it from you." Taking Cordelia's hand in her own, Kat intertwined their fingers as she led the blonde into the house. "You know, sometimes I wonder if you knew that whole 'turn into your costume' thing was coming because the whole mess worked out ridiculously well for you. You're stronger, faster, and more flexible than you were before Halloween, and sorry if this hurts but… well, you're a lot smarter than you used to be even if you do hide it from most of the world. Oh, and you not only get a version of your girlfriend who's more comfortable with your fetishes but you get to move her into your house…"

Cordelia shook her head in amusement as she kept pace with the redhead, allowing herself to be led through the living room and then the dining room to enter the kitchen as Kat rambled on. When her girlfriend finally trailed off, she chuckled lowly before raising her free hand and rubbing two fingers together. "This is me playing the world's smallest violin for you. Oh no, your girlfriend is even more awesome than she was and you're now more comfortable doing something that makes her happy. What a fucking tragedy. Oh, and on top of that, you get to quit your job as a cashier at a grocery store and live rent-free in a mansion. Growing plants and doing experiments with your brand new, literally genius-level intellect. What a horrible life you lead."

Leaving Cordelia to hop up and perch herself on the kitchen island, Kat made her way over and set the oven to preheat itself before bending down to retrieve a pair of sheet pans from the cabinet next to it. "You're putting words in my mouth again. You know how I feel about that." Kat made her way back over to Cordelia, planting her hands on the smaller girl's thighs and giving them a squeeze before forcing them apart so she could stand between her girlfriend's legs. "I'm not one of your stupid little friends, Cordelia; you winning doesn't mean me losing. I wasn't complaining, I was just pointing out that you made out really well in this whole mess. But if you want to keep trying to pick a fight for no good reason…" Kat's hands rose to cup Cordelia's cheeks as the redhead leaned in, staring into Cordelia's eyes. "I can send you to your room to think about why that's a bad idea. With no nummies. Is that what you want?"

Her pout returned as Cordelia broke her gaze, staring down at her lap as she kicked her legs slowly. "No, Mommy. I'm sorry." Kat gave an almost imperceptible wince at that, causing Cordelia to look back up at her. "I need to give that part a little more time, don't I?" The redhead nodded slowly before pulling away, and Cordelia let her head loll to one side as she eyed Kat's retreating back. "Just out of curiosity, the aversion to that particular aspect of the fetish… is it because you never want to have kids, because your ex used to call you 'mom' when you tried to look out for her, or because it reminds you of our age gap?"

"Yes." Kat turned on the faucet and beckoned for Cordelia to join her as she began washing her hands in the kitchen sink. What? Why? She hadn't been the one playing in the… Cordelia reached up, running a finger over where one of Kat's hands had rested on her face and cringing when the fingertip came away brown. Oh. Eww. "Just like how you're not wholly Harleen but not wholly Cordelia anymore, I'm not Pamela or Kat McKee anymore. I'm… Kat Isley, for lack of a better way to explain it. And so while I completely understand little space and your needs from a psychological standpoint thanks to Pamela's memories, it's going to take a while for my Pamela bits and my Kat bits to come to an accord on the matter. Does that make any sense?"

"Would getting regular chicken nuggets instead of dino shapes help any?"

"…why would I have something against dinosaur nuggets? They're cute." Kat bustled over to grab the sheet pans with her now clean hands, dipping them under the spray for a few seconds each to wash off what dirt had transferred to the handles. Considering where she'd gotten that same dirt lately, Cordelia doubted it was hazardous to her health or anything but the gesture was still appreciated. "Hands for now. We'll take a bath later and I'll worry about your face then. Sorry about that, by the way." Cordelia offered a grin and a shrug as she took her place at the sink, washing her hands thoroughly as Kat made her way over to the refrigerator and opened the doors. "The chicken nuggets are fine. Your dinosaur-shaped sweet potato nuggets, on the other hand, I could do without."

Cordelia huffed before sticking her tongue out in Kat's direction even as the redhead pulled both the box in question and a bag full of nuggets. A box that she'd edited for truth in labeling as soon as she'd gotten them home, using a Sharpie to make them 'Dr. Praeger's Sweet Potatoes 4 Littles'. "Growing girl, balanced diet, et cetera and so forth." Finishing at the sink, she turned off the water and dried her hands before wandering over to hug Kat from behind as the redhead began laying out neat rows of chicken nuggets on one of the sheet pans. "And I feel like you hating my dino sweet potato nuggets but being okay with my dino chicken nuggets is hypocritical somehow..?"

Tilting her head to the side slightly, Kat rubbed her cheek against Cordelia's as she continued her work. "Like I said, screams of the vegetables."

"Once I'm eighteen, can we do a home movie and call it that?" Cordelia realized her mistake the second after the words left her mouth, cringing and meeting Kat's incredulous look with a thoroughly apologetic expression. "In my defense, I haven't actually reached little space yet and so… it's still weird, isn't it?" Kat nodded slowly before shuddering in Cordelia's arms. "Yeah. Sorry. My bad."

"Besides, that'd be a horribly misleading title seeing as how I'm usually the one making you scream."

"Didn't you literally just say I was making things weird?"

"Yes. And in the words of moms everywhere… do as I say, sweetie, not as I do."

While part of Cordelia wanted to argue with that, a bigger part realized that asking Kat to adopt motherly mannerisms for her benefit meant taking the good with the bad. And hey, it could have been worse. At least being a lesbian meant that she'd never have to deal with her dom making dad jokes…


	18. Jillian Holtzmann (Ghostbusters)

Joe's Note: After a close inspection of the entirety of the _Digimon_ canon - or at least the portions that were at all accessible to me through either import and translation or available subtitled content, I decided that my original plan of doing a chapter based in any corner of that universe just wasn't feasible. Or at least it wasn't an economical use of my time at this point; I might grab some stuff to watch on the ten hour ride out to see my in-laws in a few weeks. For now, I'm going to go with something that Kat and I both love that just so happens to integrate itself well into the Buffyverse as a whole and allow me to put a new spin on one incident in particular. Enjoy.  
Dedications &amp; Thanks: To Nicholas, Alexander, Howard, Alonsis2, Connor, MJ, Daniel, Christopher, Janne, Eric, DireSquirrel, Joseph, mpop, RileyWestfall, bloodylord, Luke, Zachary, Marc, Ziryo, Elliot, Crusifikz70, Timothy, Leigh, Jason, Chris, George, Koby, Ken, Dimitria, William, Invernos, Paul, Pat, Joel, Kentucky Fried Dragon, Warren, Mitch, and Jess for sponsoring me on , and making it easier for me to spend more of my time writing.

* * *

"Remember the plan to contact the spirit and talk to it?"

Crunch.

"Scrap that plan."

Crunch.

"Buffy, you were-"

Crunch.

"You were-"

Crunch.

"Will you stop eating those stupid chips so I can explain what I found?!"

Leaning against the end of her host's bed, Cordelia Chase met the fuming redhead's gaze as she placed another Pringle into her mouth before biting down on it ever so slowly to produce maximum volume. Smirking as Willow Rosenberg's hands clenched into fists at her side, Cordelia chewed and swallowed before shaking the can at her longtime nemesis. "You try saying no to these salty parabolas. It's impossible. Can't do it. Besides, they help me think."

Willow closed her eyes, taking a series of long and slow breaths before returning her attention to Buffy. "As I was trying to say, Buffy, you were right." Cordelia did her best to stifle a snort; that was probably something the bottle blonde didn't hear terrible often. Evidently enough of a noise escaped her to catch Willow's attention, the redhead shooting another irritated look down at her before continuing on. "The time for touchy-feely communication has passed. I've done some homework and found out the only solution is the final solution." And okay, maybe this was her just being overly politically correct… but was that really a good term for a Jewish girl to be throwing around?

Before Cordelia could figure out the right way to articulate her thoughts on that subject, Xander Harris decided to toss in his two cents from where he was sitting in the corner of Buffy's bedroom. "Nuke the school?" He grinned stupidly as he stared off into space, nodding slowly. "I like that." …did the poor section of town still have lead pipes for water or something? What was wrong with that boy's brain?

Willow seemed likewise taken aback by her best friend's stupidity, staring at him oddly for a few seconds before sighing and shaking her head. "Not quite, Xander. I'm talking about an exorcism."

"Are you crazy?" Xander gave an exaggerated shudder. "We watched that movie at your house last week. Even the priest died. And so as the only guy in this group - which I assume would make me the priest of your plan - I have to say that I'm really, really concerned right now."

Buffy Summers ignored the byplay as she leaned against the headboard of her bed, staring at Willow intently as the redhead went off on a tangent with Xander, discussing the movie in question. For all the issues Cordelia had with the Slayer, she had to admire how task-oriented Buffy could be when necessary. And so when she finally broke her silence, it was to turn the focus back to the matter at hand rather than contribute to her friends' stupidity. "What's the deal?"

Leaning down, Willow laid out a passably sketched floor plan of the high school's music wing, adorned with three gold stars connected with red lines to form a triangle around a fourth star. "Okay, see here, the balcony? That's where the original teacher died back in 1955 and that teacher died last night. That's the hot spot where all the bad mojo is coming from. We need to create a Mangus Tripod."

Spinning a chip between her fingers as she studied the map and incorporated the new information into the mess of information churning away in her head, slowly but surely closing in on a solution to their problem, Cordelia was pulled from her thoughts by the unfamiliar term and peered up at Willow inquisitively. "A what?"

"A Mangus Tripod." Willow tucked a stray lock of hair back behind her ear with one hand as the other tapped a finger against the star in the center of the triangle. "One person chants here on the hot spot. And the other three chant in other places around the school forming a triangle. It's supposed to bind the bad spirit and keep it from doing any more harm." Despite the fact that the four of them - and Cordelia assumed that the need for four participants was why she'd been invited over despite her waning ties to the group - had absolutely no mystical talent or training. That made tons of sense. Well, in a way that completely didn't. And honestly, did none of them remember the events of last October?

Evidently, Buffy didn't share her reservations, picking the drawing up and staring at it intently for a few seconds before letting her gaze rise to meet Willow's. "Well, I'll take the hot spot. If there's trouble, that's where it'll be."

"This ghost - this James guy - is fixating on-"

Whistling sharply, Cordelia held her hands up in a T. "Okay, time out. I hate to break it to you guys, but this isn't even twelve percent of a plan. This is so much not a viable plan that if Star-Lord was here, he'd be like 'nope, too risky for me, count me out'." Ignoring the infuriated look that Willow was shooting her, the brunette rose to her feet and gestured down at the paper in Buffy's hands. "Your so-called plan involves magic. I am not a witch. Xander is not a wizard. Buffy is not a witch. Willow… you're kinda a bitch to me but I feel like that one letter difference is going to be really important here. And so you want us to stand around in Hellmouth High, chanting our distinctly non-magical hearts out, in hopes that it'll be enough to contain a pair of class four apparitions? Seriously?"

Even as Willow puffed up indignantly, preparing to launch into some sort of rant that Cordelia really had no intention of tuning in for, Buffy shot the brunette a guarded look. "What, do you have a better plan for handling… wait, what did you call them?"

"It's either a pair of class four apparitions or a class four and a class five given some of the weird shit that's been happening around the school lately. And I've been sitting here this entire time waiting for someone to rub two brain cells together so I wouldn't have to lord my superiority over you all in yet another way… but holy shit, does nobody remember what I dressed as for Halloween? You know, that funky fun night six months ago where we all got turned into our costumes?" Cordelia surveyed the room slowly, her disbelief growing as they continued staring at her blankly. Reaching up, she grabbed the glasses that she'd pushed up to rest atop her head, waving them wildly. "Seriously? I know we don't exactly run in the same social circles, but I wore the damn jumpsuit to school. So did Aura and Harmony. I've been wearing the damn glasses ever since. And my hair. It looks just like hers except brown. How dense are you people?"

Comprehension dawned on Xander first and he shot upright in his chair, his jaw dropping as he stared at her. "Get out. We're having a ghost problem… and you and your friends dressed as… did you really keep enough to..?"

Cordelia grinned widely as the girls finally caught up, Buffy's expression becoming distinctly awed even as Willow crossed her arms over her chest and shot the brunette a look of mixed jealousy and disgust. "Me, Harmony, Aura, and Kat. It's taken us most of these six months to figure out how to rebuild everything, and enough money that my parents are going to murder me if they ever actually look at their credit card statements. But as of last week? There's a 1989 Cadillac Brougham hearse sitting in the garage at my place and it's loaded for 'busting. So tell me, 'Scoobies'… if there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?"

* * *

As one door after another slammed shut around them, trapping them inside Sunnydale High with a pair of malevolent ghosts, Cordelia calmly reached back over her shoulder and drew her proton gun before shooting her girlfriend a grin. "I take you all the best places, don't I?"

Kat McKee swatted the brunette's arm playfully before drawing her own gun and powering it up. "When I told you that I was curious about how your high school compared to the one I went to back in Connecticut, I figured that you'd invite me to watch you cheer at a basketball game or something. Buy us tickets to a theater production. Or… I don't know, do they rent out the gym for craft fairs or anything? This… this is the exact opposite of a fun walk down memory lane. Partly because I should be back at our place working on a costume right now but also because oh yeah, ghosts who like to possess and kill people."

"Wait a second. 'Our' place? As in yours and hers?" Pushing his way into place between them, Xander grinned widely as he threw an arm around both girls' shoulders, looking back and forth between them several times before letting his gaze come to rest on Cordelia's thoroughly annoyed face. "So. Cordelia. You not only have a girlfriend, but you have a live-in girlfriend? I thought this story was fascinating before, but now you two have my complete and undivided attention."

Before Cordelia could register the displeasure that she was feeling on any of a number of levels - she had no desire to be touched by Xander, the specifics of her relationship with Kat were none of his damn business, her sexuality was nobody's fap fodder - Kat decided to make her own thoughts on Xander's behavior known. Peering back over her right shoulder, the brunette nodded in Xander's direction. "Not a fan of this at all. Girls, can you loosen his grip?"

Harmony let out a cackle of laughter before lunging forward, delivering the sort of kick that would have made a football player proud as her foot slipped neatly between Xander's legs and slammed into his crotch. The boy let out a pained wheeze and collapsed to his knees before tipping over and curling into the fetal position, leaving Harmony standing over him as she looked at Kat uncertainly. "Wait. That's where you were going with that, right?"

"Yes." Kat chuckled softly as they began walking again, Harmony and then Aura stepping over Xander's fallen form as they wandered deeper into the school. "Do you think she'd like a dress? I feel like that deserves a free dress."

Cordelia snorted, shooting a glance back at Harmony before shaking her head. "If you do, remember that it's Harmony and make sure that you use a fabric that's easy to clean. If you know what I mean." Then something hit her, and she found herself looking at Kat uncertainly. Given that her girlfriend had dated a few guys while younger but hadn't done much with them, and wasn't exactly a fan of porn of the heterosexual variety? "…do you know what I mean?"

Shuddering, Kat shot the younger brunette a reproachful look. "...I'm going to pretend that this conversation is work-related and you're worried about her getting ectoplasmic residue out of it." When Cordelia opened her mouth to reply, Kat hastily clapped a hand over it. "I will put you on your own couch."

A long, slow lick to the palm of Kat's hand freed Cordelia's mouth, but seeing as how Kat had made good on that threat in the past? Cordelia wasn't really inclined to press her luck by continuing that conversational thread. Then her ears popped in a way that Jillian remembered being characteristic of experiencing an AP-XH shift, and suddenly the cheerleader was all business. "Look alive, girls. They know we're here and they've taken form for the occasion."

James Stanley was the first to appear, glaring at them malevolently as he glided toward them. While the letter jacket marked him as an athlete of at least moderate ability, his overall appearance was almost astonishingly mediocre to Cordelia's surprise. When she'd heard that the ghosts haunting the school were a former student and the teacher that he'd been involved with, she'd expected something… well, better. Who the hell would risk their career for this bland lump? The answer to her rhetorical question appeared a few steps behind James, the ghost of Grace Newman wringing her hands nervously as she trailed after him. "Why are you here? Why can't you just leave us alone?"

"Why are we here? That's kinda a loaded question, isn't it? I mean, do any of us really know why we're here?" Harmony brushed past Cordelia with her hands raised peacefully and a wide smile on her face, slowly making her way over to the pair of ghosts. Before Cordelia could open her mouth and berate the blonde for her stupidity, Harmony brushed her fingers through Grace's arm as she swept past the woman… putting her squarely behind the pair so that she could help drive them forward into the muon trap when Cordelia deployed it. Huh. Clever girl. "Grace, if I thought they might still make it, I'd ask where you got that dress. Love it. Want it. And James, if you want to be left alone? You probably shouldn't kill people. Or pull the whole Snakes on a Lunch Tray thing. Just putting that out there."

Even as realization dawned on Grace's face, the elder ghost slumping a bit as she resigned herself to her fate, energy began to crackle ominously around Jason as he let out a low growl. "Leave us be! Or else!" Strangely, that was the extent of the threat he posed; no random snakes or slamming doors or other weirdness accompanied his shouts. Perhaps constituting himself into a corporeal form for the confrontation was limiting his powers? Not that Cordelia minded… or was against exploiting that.

Seeing as how she was the only one who carried - and could operate - a muon trap, it fell to Cordelia to pull it free of the carrying rack built into the bottom of her proton pack and drop it onto the floor in front of her. With ease born of practice, she sent the trap skidding across the floor toward the ghost even as her right hand came up to swipe over the controller strapped to her left bicep, triggering the pedal release. The trap and the pedal reached their respective destinations at the exact same time, just as Cordelia had intended, and she grinned wickedly as she reached up to adjust her glasses before taking a two-handed grip on her proton gun once more. "I think I'm gonna go with 'or else'."

As Cordelia stomped on the pedal to open the trap, Aura slid forward into position on her left and opened fire perfectly in sync with the other three girls, trapping James in place even as Harmony began inching forward to drive him closer to the whirling white light of the muon trap. "Can we take a moment to talk about the white privilege we're witnessing here?" Aura reared back like she was trying to reel in a fish, a move that Kat echoed as they worked together to help Harmony shepherd the ghost closer to the trap. "Guy brings a gun to school, kills a teacher, kills himself, possesses random guys over the years to repeat his crime over and over again, but hey he's white and so we're trying to capture him instead of-"

"Not the time, Aura!" Cordelia grit her teeth as she stepped backward, opting against the fishing method in favor of physically dragging James around with her proton stream. She quickly realized the shortcomings in that plan as she stretched her leg out, the trap's pedal proving stubbornly elusive to her questing foot. If she stepped forward, the ghost might slide back out of the trap's capture range. If she stayed where she was, she couldn't operate the trap. And then it hit her. "Summers! Can I borrow your leg for a second?"

"I dunno, I'm kinda attached to it…" Cordelia shot an ugly look back over her shoulder at the bottle blonde and Buffy returned a sheepish grin before sidling up on Cordelia's right. "No, seriously, I'm guessing you need me to stomp the pedal for you. Just say when."

Cordelia took one final step backward as Harmony simultaneously lunged forward, forcing James straight into the middle of the whirling muon stream. As it began dragging him down into the depths of the trap, Cordelia nodded in the direction of the pedal. "When!" Dashing forward, Buffy somersaulted over the crackling proton stream and landed neatly atop the pedal with both feet, thrusting both arms into the air like a gymnast sticking her landing. James let out a scream as he disappeared into the trap, the top snapping shut behind him and the four girls' proton guns cutting out as they were deprived of their target. Sighing in relief, Cordelia reached back over her shoulder to holster her proton gun before raising an eyebrow at Grace inquiringly. "We only have one of those, so if you wanna start shit..?"

While Grace had stayed by James's side for the past six decades of their afterlife, that loyalty evidently came to an abrupt end when faced with the Ghostbusters. Shaking her head rapidly, she drifted forward and then knelt next to the trap as best she could. "We've been trapped all these years reliving our last moments together. Every single time, I try to push through the pain to finish our conversation and every time I fail. James? If you can hear me in there? I forgive you. And I'm sorry. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath."

As the woman's form began losing cohesion, releasing what Cordelia assumed to be the woman's soul to ascend through the ceiling and out of sight, the brunette sighed in relief and looked over at her girlfriend. "You know, if you pointedly ignore the part where he went all yandere and killed her so nobody else could have her? Their story is actually kinda romantic. Kinda. Relationship goals, maybe?" Kat groaned and rolled her eyes, making Cordelia giggle and nudge the taller girl's side. "Hey Kat, can we die together someday so that we can haunt a place together for all eternity?"

Kat shook her head slowly. "Sometimes, I wonder why I'm dating you. Right now is one of those times."

"That's not a no."

"…maybe."


End file.
